Review: Anna Dressed In Blood (Anna #1) by Kendare Blake

First off, I feel I should discuss the cover art: I know, I know--everyone loves this cover. Unfortunately it doesn't do anything for me. Look, I stopped being fooled wowed by cover art after reading Fallen by Lauren Kate. That's a lie--the cover for the third Paranormalcy book makes me ridiculously happy, but at least I'm fairly certain I'll like that book since I like the first two books in the series.

In my opinion the following would have made a better cover for Anna Dressed In Blood:

Infinitely better, don't you think?

Moving on...

You know how Cake Pops are the newest, coolest thing in baked goods? And everyone's all "O mai, it'ss teh caaaaaaaake popssssssss!"? And you're standing there thinking, sure they're cute but they're just little glorified cupcakes on sticks? Well, let me start by saying: Anna Dressed in Blood is the Cake Pop of the publishing industry. Sure it's cute(-ish) but I fail to see what the big deal is.

Seriously, what's the big deal?

I've read several reviews that claim this book is hilarious and disgusting and terrifying. Plus! Awesome Characters! Weird Romance! I was under the impression Anna Dressed in Blood was the YA version of Fargo, except with a Very Murdery Ghost instead of a woodchipper. And I was all, sign me up!

My mistake was falling for the hype & actually believing the rumors.


It's not laugh-out-loud funny

"Hey" he says, pulling up a chair. "Aren't you going to eat your Jell-o?"
"I effing hate green Jell-o," I reply, and push it his way.
"I hate it too. I was just asking."
I laugh. "Don't make me hurt my ribs, you dick."

Bahahahahaha. So funny, right?

Kidding! I'm not sure which parts were supposed to be funny, actually. Even during the 30% of this book I did enjoy I never laughed, not even in my head. I'd have settled for a "that's what she said" joke. I'm not too picky when it comes to humor.


It's not terrifying. (Not even a little.)

I keep reading reviews that claim this book is scary. It isn't. Yeah, there's a ghost (a couple, actually). Yeah, Anna likes to make it look like her dress is dripping with blood. Yeah, she murders people. But it just so happens that none of that scared me. If there was a demonic clown in this book then I might have been a little frightened. But, alas, no demonic clowns.


It's not a paranormal romance

As far as I'm concerned it's not PNR unless the romance is a major part of the story. Believe me when I say this: the romance is hardly even present. What little romance there is between Cas and Anna is forced and awkward. I only knew they were in love because I was told as much. There was no flirting. No longing glances. No blushing and looking away. No showing off. Now I can't even remember if there is any kissing. I think there might be a kissing scene, but the romance is so minor I just don't remember. The only things Cas and Anna had in common is both their fathers are dead and (view spoiler). Other than that, I can't think of anything else they might have in common. I would have loved to hear that they both liked the same subjects in school, read the same books, or even that they shared a deep passion for pie, but that never happened. Their conversations consisted of Cas questioning Anna about who killed her, the people she killed and how she feels about it, ghost killing, nightmares, and how to stop the gruesome murders happening in Thunder Bay.

I don't know, maybe that's what passes for romance in Canada these days.

The other romance is more interesting, in that it's an unconventional human pairing. I loves me an unconventional love story. That said, it's still another romance that's only present because we're told as much. Sure, Thomas the Nerd is crushing hard-core on Carmel, the hottest girl in school, but I fail to see why she might return his feelings. He's described as looking like a 12-year-old with unkempt orangey-red hair. He dresses ugly, he's awkward and he has a bit of a chip on his shoulder (which, by the way, conveniently disappears early on in the story). Yes, Thomas is nice to Carmel and worships the ground she walks on, but that's pretty much how everyone treats her. She's the hot girl, remember? So...what's in it for Carmel? I want to know that she finds him attractive on an intellectual level, or that it's his sense of humor and confidence that she finds irresistibly sexy (by the way, he's not funny but he needs to be because he is the plucky side-kick), or that she loves him because he really wants to be with her for her personality and not just her looks.


It's not disgusting

I'm not going to lie to you. All the gory details are vague at best. So if you're not into that sort of thing, don't worry, you're pretty safe. That said, I feel I should warn you: yes, there is some dismemberment, and, yes, it is a little abrupt when it happens the first time, but other than that... *shrug* I've actually seen worse (on tv).

That. Just. Happened. Now please excuse me as I dry-heave for the next 30 seconds.

Which brings me to my next point:


I need the characters to show some genuine emotion

Look, I know I just said that I've seen worse and that's why the gory descriptions didn't affect me. It's just that, had I seen someone dismembered IN REAL LIFE, I'd: 1) vomit 2) vomit some more 3) run away screaming 4) cry 5) dry-heave just thinking about it 6) have nightmares for the rest of my life 7) work it out in therapy.

And that's what I'd do if I never even knew the person.

These kids? Have never seen any real (read: not hallucinations) dismembered bodies, ever. So when they see it happen to people they actually know, I want them to do at least one of the following: 1) run away screaming 2) go into hysterics while standing there 3) go into shock 4) huddle in a corner 5) vomit 6) dry-heave 7) cry about it for more then a paragraph 8) have nightmares 9) call the cops 10) feel survivor guilt.

None of that happened, which is why these teens seem so robotic.

Also? I have a problem with the amount of time these kids spent on getting their stories straight. They spent more time working on alibis then they did thinking about the kids that died horrible, painful deaths. It's seriously disturbing how little they spent thinking about the dead kids or the dead kids' families. And don't tell me it doesn't really matter how they felt about the dead kids because they were bullies who deserved to die.

It's called empathy. Look it up.


(2 stars)


(I have so much more to say but I don't know if I'll be able to finish this review before next week. I'm posting it now as a sort of early Thanksgiving present for everyone. You're welcome.

Happy Thanksgiving!)

Review: Dead on the Delta (Annabelle Lee #1) by Stacey Jay

Once upon a time, fairies were the stuff of bedtime stories and sweet dreams. Then came the mutations, and the dreams became nightmares. Mosquito-size fairies now indulge their taste for human blood—and for most humans, a fairy bite means insanity or death. Luckily, Annabelle Lee isn’t most humans. The hard-drinking, smart-mouthed, bicycle-riding redhead is immune to fairy venom, and able to do the dirty work most humans can’t. Including helping law enforcement— and Cane Cooper, the bayou’s sexiest detective—collect evidence when a body is discovered outside the fairy-proof barricades of her Louisiana town.

But Annabelle isn’t equipped to deal with the murder of a sixyear- old girl or a former lover-turned-FBI snob taking an interest in the case. Suddenly her already bumpy relationship with Cane turns even rockier, and even the most trust-worthy friends become suspects. Annabelle’s life is imploding: between relationship drama, a heartbreaking murder investigation, Breeze-crazed drug runners, and a few too many rum and Cokes, Annabelle is a woman on the run—from her past, toward her future, and into the arms of a darkness waiting just for her. . . .

----

This is the third book written by Stacey Jay that I've read. The first one--YA Fiction--You Are So Undead to Me, was a fun and entertaining read. So enjoyable, in fact, I was glad that I took a chance on an author I'd never heard of before. The second--also YA Fiction--Juliet Immortal, was decidedly not so entertaining. Or fun. Or imaginative. Or worthwhile. Heck, I'm almost done reading it but I just can't muster the strength to finish--I just don't care what happens anymore.

So why did I buy this book which, by the way, was purchased while I was in the middle of forcing myself to slog through the pages of Juliet Immortal? Because it was marked 60% off at Borders, that's why. Also, like I said, Stacey Jay's first offering was quite good, so I was willing to give her another chance. I'm so glad I did.

Dead on the Delta is a new UF series--not YA--that isn't horribly original. Meaning there is a Kick-A Protagonist who has some sort of special ability or power. This Kick-A Protagonist? Has--you guessed it: a troubled past, intimacy issues, and a drinking problem that goes hand in hand with her tendency to pop pills. Did I mention this story is set in Louisiana? Because it is. Also? This book has killer fairies.

That's right. Killer. Fairies.

So why did I like Dead on the Delta despite the fact that it doesn't seem to have anything new to bring to the table, you ask? The protagonist, a 20-something FCC employee/former debutante/med school dropout by the name of Annabelle Lee, is a loveable, albeit prickly, character that I couldn't help but root for. Also her "special power"--immunity to poisonous fairy saliva--is actually not all that special, though only about 5% of the population is immune. So it's not like she's an all-powerful (read: unbearable) Mary Sue.

Anyway, if you're looking for a new UF series to pick up I suggest you give Stacey Jay's Dead on the Delta (book #1 in the Annabelle Lee series) a try.

(4 stars because I was genuinely entertained by this book despite the fact that there were a few things that didn't quite work for me. I will be reading the next book in this series).

Review: Anna and the French Kiss by Stephanie Perkins

Anna is looking forward to her senior year in Atlanta, where she has a great job, a loyal best friend, and a crush on the verge of becoming more. Which is why she is less than thrilled about being shipped off to boarding school in Paris - until she meets Etienne St. Clair: perfect, Parisian (and English and American, which makes for a swoon-worthy accent), and utterly irresistible. The only problem is that he's taken, and Anna might be, too, if anything comes of her almost-relationship back home.

As winter melts into spring, will a year of romantic near - misses end with the French kiss Anna - and readers - have long awaited?

----

I wasn't going to read this book. Really, I wasn't. The title of this book alone is enough to make me run screaming in the opposite direction. And the cover art? Is even worse--I'm not your stereotypical girl in that I don't dream of visiting Paris, for any reason, ever. Though I can't help but admit that all positive reviews from trusted Goodreaders did make me a little curious. I mean, it sounded like this book was a really fun YA romance. But for me YA & Romance are never a good match. The vast majority of YA romances are gag-worthy and cause me to sigh with frustration and/or roll my eyes a lot until I finally chuck them across the room because I've got a migraine.

This past summer I was vacationing with my stepdaughter and she was looking for a fluff-tastic read. Knowing I read quite a bit she asked if I had any suggestions. Since I don't really do fluff I couldn't think of anything besides Unearthly, which she promptly gobbled up and begged for more. Then I remembered a number of my GR friends seemed to like this book and I figured it would be right up her alley as well, so I purchased it.

That was way back in July. And my stepdaughter never got around to reading this book because she was suddenly too busy text messaging her stupid ex-boyfriend (I'm not kidding. The guy is a freaking moron, though I digress). Since then my copy of Anna and the French Kiss has been gathering dust because I didn't get around to returning it before the 14-day grace period for returning books to Barnes & Noble was up.

Then the tenth anniversary of 9/11 snuck up on me and I fell to pieces--I mean, completely freaked out. See, I typically prepare myself for this time of year, make a point to avoid footage or pictures from that day. But, yeah, without really thinking things through I decided I was ready, that I would be okay. Now that the tenth anniversary has come and gone, I'm fairly certain I'll never be ready for any of that, ever.

Anyway, by Sunday night I was in the midst of having an nasty anxiety attack that was only increasing in it's severity. I needed something--anything!--to divert my attention, so I found refuge within the pages of Anna and the French Kiss, the fluffiest novel I own. I'm not going to lie to you, it helped.

Right away I could tell I was probably going to like it. The first paragraph sucked me right in because it reminded me of a cheeky little game my husband and I play where we name every stereotype we know about other countries (we're lame, I know). I liked the opening paragraph so much I then read it to my husband and it brought a small smile to his weary face as well.

Check it out:

"Here's everything I know about France: Madeline and Amélie and Moulin Rouge. The Eiffel Tower and the Arc de Triomphe, although I have no idea what the function of either actually is. Napoleon, Marie Antoinette, and a lot of kings named Louis. I'm not sure what they did either, but I think it has something to do with the French Revolution, which has something to do with Bastille Day. The art museum is called the Louvre and it's shaped like a pyramid and the Mona Lisa lives there along with that statue of that woman missing her arms. And there are cafés or bistros or whatever they call them on every street corner. And mimes. The food is supposed to be good, and the people drink a lot of wine and smoke a lot of cigarettes.

I've heard they don't like Americans, and they don't like white sneakers."

That's just awesome, right? My husband and I particularly loved the bit about mimes. We even added to the list--"Black and white striped shirts", "red scarves", "Berets", "people gnawing on baguettes Regina George style" (see: Mean Girls. And yes, we totally made this one up because we amuse ourselves in the most idiotic of ways), "people pretending they don't speak English", "Escargot!" and so on...

After we finished proving our ignorance to one another I read on.

All-in-all Anna and the French Kiss was a pretty good read. It's not the sort of book I usually pick up, or enjoy, but I liked well enough. It's kind of fun to be inside Anna's head because she's got a quirky personality. Her exchanges with St. Clair are, for the most part, fairly amusing and remind me of the sort of silly and/or ridiculous conversations my husband and I have when we're alone.

That said, I did feel like the story was a tad bit disjointed. The first half of the book is written in such a way that I continuously forgot I was reading a fluffy YA romance, which I really appreciated. The second part of the book is pretty much all fluff, which was alright(-ish). I mean, I could have done without some of the angst (most of which was unnecessary, by the way), and I didn't particularly care for the fact that Anna pretty much becomes a mental patient for the second half of the story, nor did I care much for (view spoiler)

The ending was pretty good, though, which I appreciated. It even has a sweet message, ends on a positive note.

Anyway, because Anna and the French Kiss provided a much needed escape when I needed it most, and because it's much better then most (or even all) fluffy YA romances I've read I'm going to go ahead give it four stars, even though it probably only deserves three. I recommend this to anyone looking for a good fluffy YA romance and/or a quick escape from reality.

Review: Deadline (NewsFlesh #2) by Mira Grant

***Warning: this review contains spoilers for Feed***

I really don't know what I can say about this book besides how disappointed and frustrated it left me. Not that I was expecting something incredible mind you. I mean, it's not like Feed left me begging for more so I have no idea why I gave Deadline the time of day.

Actually I do know. I'm not too bright. I was going to purchase The Demon's Surrender on Tuesday June 14th, because that's when it was released, but for whatever reason the audiobook was not available for sale at audible. So I wasted a precious audible credit on this ridiculously long piece of trash. How long is this audiobook you ask? 15+ hours.

Yes, more then 15 hours of what amounts to a really long episode of The Incredible Hulk, featuring zombies and the magical world of news blogging. Except to make things extra fun The Hulk Bruce Banner Shaun, our main character, has his dead sister's voice stuck in his head running commentary on everything he does. And he talks back to that voice. Vocally. Like, all the time no matter who is around.

When people encounter Shaun's strange behavior and make the mistake of asking if he's feeling okay, Bruce Shaun looses his crap and 'splodes out of his clothes in a fit of rage, turns green and goes on a punching spree. And he's all 'HULK MAD! HULK SMASH! HULK KILL!' starts acting like a massive douche-canoe--like, way more douche-y then he usually acts--and threatening to punch the crap out of whoever had the nerve to ask him about the state of his mental health.

See, that wouldn't be such worrisome behavior if he were some crazy urine-soaked hobo who lives out of a refrigerator box. But see, Shaun is the head blogger at this massive news blog he and his (dead) sister started a few years before. He has a ton of employees all over the world.

Mr Crazy Pants is in charge. Really.

And that's where my first issue with Deadline springs up. Who in their right mind would put up with that crap? The answer is no one. Not even people who are supposedly friends with said crazy person. Especially when that person has not contributed ANYTHING worthwhile to the blog in over a year. A person who doesn't even make any real decisions anymore. A person who does little more then show up and carry on conversations with the dead sister living in his head himself and threaten to punch people, occasionally carrying out those threats and breaking noses in the process.

We're supposed to believe that his employees are that loyal and/or so stupid they'd be willing to stick around and take that sort of abuse. Bloggers who are at the top of their fields and could go to a number of other news blogs or easily start their own.

One could argue that he just lost his sister and these people are just trying to be understanding, but here's the deal: his sister died a year prior to the events in Deadline. Plus, they live in a world where zombies run free. Every last one of them have lost close friends and loved ones yet none of them act like him.

So...what makes Shaun so special?

Nothing. He's not special. Which is why I grew weary of this book almost from the get go. But I kept reading because I thought he was going to calm down and pull his act together. Don't want to be all spoiler-y but it needs to be said: that never happens. In fact his behavior worsens yet NO ONE takes a cattle prod to his crazy ass; no one throws him to the zombies.

There is a whole lot of other stuff that happens which, I'm sorry, doesn't really matter because (view spoiler). To be honest, I feel there is little of importance that goes down in this book. It's all a bunch of happenings that don't amount to anything in the end. If you've read Deadline and you don't agree with me, that's cool. Just do me a favor and ask yourself this: what, if anything, happened in this book that wasn't made so completely pointless by the way the book ended? I bet your answer is along the lines of 'nothing'.

And then there's the plot holes. So many plot holes. Gigantic ones. One in particular that is so infeasible, so massive you sort of want to write Mira Grant hate mail while reading it. Or maybe that's just me.

Speaking of holes, am I the only one that thinks the answer to the zombie problem, should a zombie apocalypse ever occur, is the Grand Canyon? I mean, it's a massive hole in the ground, right? All we'd have to do is round up and herd all the zombies to the Grand Canyon. We could walk them in at ground level and then brick them in, or just let them walk over the cliffs (this option is rather inhumane but, hey, it's flesh-eating, disease-carrying zombies we're talking about not adorable puppies and kitties). I'm also willing to consider using Carlsbad Caverns, as it is also a massive hole in the ground and I'm not a huge fan of New Mexico.

Also:



/tangent

Don't even get me started about Shaun's (not at all thought out) motorcycle ride of karma from zombie hell. I'm sorry but who is that stupid? Why would anyone let anyone else ride a motorcycle into a place so insanely infested with zombies? I kept wondering why they couldn't strap that thing to the back of the van, or, I don't know, LEAVE IT BEHIND. Hell, even if there really wasn't room left inside the van, Shaun could have easily strapped himself to the roof, or (call me crazy) strap some of their equipment to the roof of the van in order to make room for him. Either way, he would have been safer.

One last thing: (view spoiler)

I will not be reading the third book in this series. One-and-a-half stars.

Review for Beauty Queens by Libba Bray

From bestselling, Printz Award-winning author Libba Bray, the story of a plane of beauty pageant contestants that crashes on a desert island.

Teen beauty queens. A "Lost"-like island. Mysteries and dangers. No access to emall. And the spirit of fierce, feral competition that lives underground in girls, a savage brutality that can only be revealed by a journey into the heart of non-exfoliated darkness. Oh, the horror, the horror! Only funnier. With evening gowns. And a body count.

----

Preheat oven to 375 degrees. In a large bowl, mix the plots from Drop Dead Gorgeous, Austin Powers, Mean Girls, Lost, and Lord of the Flies. Whip until nice and fluffy. Stir in equal parts Bollywood, Boy Bands, Pirates, An Evil Corporation, Crappy Parenting, Reality TV, Miss Teen USA pageants, and commercials aimed at teens. Next add 4 cups Teenage Sexuality (all types), 2 cups Feminism, 1/2 cup Identity Issues, 1/2 cup Self-Esteem Issues, 16-Teenage Beauty Queens (all types. Just make sure one is much more intelligent then the others), a handful of henchmen, a handful of open-minded hot guys with British accents, one hot eco-"terrorist", one crazy-go-nuts dictator, copious amounts of satire, and 1-20 oz. bag of Sarah Palin. Stir until well blended. Batter will be slightly lumpy. Pour into cupcake pans (cuz cupcakes are all the rage, yo!) Bake for: 35 minutes. Let cool.

Frosting: Mix equal parts Sunshine, Love, World Peace, Sparkle Ponies, Sequined Dresses, Cute Shoes, Makeup, GRRRRRRRRRL POWER! a handful of sand, one Lesbian makeout session, and one Sex Tape. Whip until creamy.

Frost cupcakes then sprinkle with way too many unnecessary footnotes. Top each cupcake with a maraschino cherry that has been laced with an organic hallucinogen.

Take those cupcakes and dumb them down. Dumb them down again. A little more...

One more time...

Stop!

Okay, there you have it: the recipe for Libba Bray's Beauty Queens (in cupcake form). Enjoy!

2.5 stars. Real review to be posted after the weekend.

---

I spent the weekend thinking about what I would say in this review, how I would explain my beef with this book. I want to make it clear, I don't hate Beauty Queens, nor do I like it.

It was okay, overall. I mean, sure, it did have it's moments. Not that Beauty Queens caused me to laugh out loud--because it didn't, especially not after the novelty of the "helpful" footnotes and commercial parodies wore off. They were fun for the first few chapters, then they became an irritation.

Also, I don't particularly care for Libba Bray's brand of satire. At times it was so overdone it only inspired sighs of frustration, eye-rolling and thoughts of, "that would have been funny if" or "that could have been more powerful if" from me. I felt as though I was watching one of those really bad (read: not funny) movie parodies, like Dance Flick, or Epic Movie.

Yes, at times Beauty Queens is that much of a punishment, and then some.

But that's not the worst part. My major problem has to do with the fact that Bray's story had a great foundation. I mean, just read this:

“I’ve been thinking about that book about the boys who crash on an island,” Mary Lou said to Adina one afternoon as they rested on their elbows taking bites from the same papaya.

“Lord of the Flies. What about it?”

You know how you said it wasn’t a true measure of humanity because there were no girls and you wondered how it would be different if there had been girls?”

“Yeah?”

“Maybe girls need an island to find themselves. Maybe they need a place where no one’s watching them so they can be who they really are.”

There was something about the island that made the girls forget who they had been. All those rules and shalt nots. They were no longer waiting for some arbitrary grade. They were no longer performing. Waiting. Hoping.

They were becoming.

They were.

Sure, it's all a little contrived, but still it's a great jumping off point. Instead of doing anything worthwhile with it, Bray took that idea and made it into a Very Special Episode of The Facts of Life, except way more condescending and a ba-zillion times more preachier--it's not like the main message Bray is pummeling her audience with is new. Girlfriend is preaching to the choir the entire time. And at no point does this book challenge one to think. Beauty Queens thinks for you, because thinking is hard, y'all.

You wanna sell me on something? Give me a chance to think for myself. Show me both sides of the argument. Present me with questions that don't necessarily have an easy answer. Let me draw my own conclusions. Don't incessantly beat me upside my head with your answers, your way of thinking. See, when that happens I tend to lose interest in what you have to say--even if I happen to agree with you--because you clearly think you're superior, that I'm not intelligent enough to come to the right (read: your) conclusion. Do. Not. Like.

And don't even think of telling me that some teenage girls need a book to do their thinking for them, that they need to be force fed the messages contained within Beauty Queens because their parents, their peers, the media has damaged them, tricked them into thinking otherwise. Even if that is the case with some teenage girls, I fail to see how shoving a message down their collective throats--be it negative or positive--is the way to go about building up self esteem, or fixing identity issues.

Moving on...

I don't fault Libba Bray for wanting to make this book funny, because Beauty Queens would have bombed royally had it taken itself too seriously. But like I said earlier, she took the satire, the tongue-in-cheekiness, way too far. Beauty Queens is obnoxious. Beauty Queens is that know-it-all girl that you sort of want to punch in the face because she isn't as clever as she thinks she is; someone ought to bring her down a few notches.

Anyway, because of Bray's lack of control every character has been reduced to a cardboard cut-out of a stereotype. Beauty Queens has two really stupid blondes from the south, a really slutty girl from the midwest, a super sexually repressed girl from the upper-midwest, two minorities, a crazy pageant-head from Texas, A stereotypical lesbian, and a girl who is hearing impaired. Even Ms New Hampshire, whom, might I add, is this story's Marysue, is feminist to a fault, goes around feeling superior to the other girls on the island because she's "enlightened" and they're just a bunch of stupid fools.

There were a few others who had even less going for them. Ms New Mexico, for example, had a tray table embedded in her skull. That was her only defining quality throughout the entire book. I kid you not. *headdesk*

The only character that I found interesting, that had any sort of depth, was Ms Rhode Island. (view spoiler) She's the only character I truly liked; seemed to have her crap together. She's probably the only reason anyone should read this book. Really. The rest of the ladies? Were really irritating and irrational and totally rubbed me the wrong way--go figure.

You know how every chick flick has at least one painfully ridiculous cringe-worthy scene? The sort of scene that makes you wonder how stupid Hollywood thinks women are. The sort of scene that makes you vow to never see another chick flick again, like that random musical number with synchronized dance moves in My Best Friend's Wedding. Or the 'Bend and Snap' scene from Legally Blonde. Or the entire length of the movie Mama Mia? Yeah, this book has that. It ENDS with one of those scenes.

Read this book or not. It's totally up to you. I didn't like it, clearly, but I'm not pleased with a lot of books these days.

P.S. Why is it books meant to inspire and empower women to be proud of who we are, to stop aiming for an an unattainable level of perfection in the looks/weight/personality department, always have MCs that fall in love with men who are perfect in every way? Like, especially their bodies are super beautiful, and the MC can't shut up about how physically beautiful her love interest is. How come female MCs don't fall in love with guys who have great personalities but are lacking in the looks department? Why can't it just be about a meeting of minds? Why do looks ALWAYS play a part in books written for a female audience? Especially when we go around telling ourselves that looks shouldn't matter, to anyone (especially men). Isn't that more then a little hypocritical?

Oh, yeah, I forgot. No one wants to read about ugly people falling in love. At least one of them (*cough* the guy *cough*) has to be super hot.


P.P.S. I'll have you know, starting when I was 12 years old, my parents sent me to a girls camp in Colorado--five summers in a row. No electricity. No cabins. No toilets or showers or mirrors. No boys. Just a bunch of girls forced to sleep in tents with a bunch of other girls their same age. Wanna guess what THAT was like? Hell on earth. Friggin' WWIII broke out every single year! I hated it. Adolescent girls are mean. Like, ridiculously mean, especially when civilization isn't present. You think Lord of the Flies is insane? Take those boys and replace them with teen girls and you'll have a massacre on your hands. At the very least there would be a few violent cat fights. I'm just sayin'.

Review: Rot & Ruin by Jonathan Maberry

This is what I learned from reading Rot & Ruin:

1. Zombies iz people too. So they should be treated with respect, yo. (more about this later)

2. Books containing zombies can be really irritating and boring.

You see, I didn't know this was a possibility. I mean, it's zombies we're talking about here. How could zombies be boring? Turns out all you need to do is add a lame teenage romance and BAM! What really matters (ZOMBIES!) gets shoved onto the backburner in favor of the not-so-important (love story??? Who invited that guy? Alright, I'm out!).

It needs to be said: if I wanted a romance novel I'd waste my time reading the likes of Nicholas Sparks. And that would never happen. Ever. Besides, I picked up a zombie book because I wanted to read a zombie story. Horror, Violence, Decapitations--oh my!

Maberry's story has these things, but not enough to hold my interest. Most of the time we're being preached to by Tom Imura, Benny's older brother. See Tom Imura is a zombie slayer for hire. One of the best. You'd think a katana-wielding slayer extraordinaire would liven things up a bit. But no. No, he doesn't. He just waxes philosophical about how zombies are people too.

The treating-zombies-with-respect-by-not-killing-them-unless-you-have-to thing? Ruined this book. Basically the argument defending this school of thought goes a little like this:

Tom Imura: Pretend you're at a loved one's funeral and suddenly someone you don't know shows up and like defecates on your loved one's corpse. Wouldn't that anger you? Wouldn't that be disrespectful to your loved one and everyone who ever cared about them?

Me: HECK YEAH! Let me at that disgusting jerk!

Tom Imura: These zombies are other people's loved ones.

Me: I totally agree. So sad. :(
Go on.

Tom Imura: Okay, so when you go around decapitating random zombies who are in no way bothering you you're pretty much doing the same thing as that filthy stranger that took a massive dump on your love one's corpse.

Me:...

Tom Imura: So basically you should just leave all those walking corpses--you know, the ones that totally want to eat your face and make you a zombie--alone. Because if you don't that's the same is defecating on a dead body. Or something.

Me: *laughing hysterically* er...what??? I fail to see the connection. Your analogy is shoddy at best.

Tom Imura: No really, think about it. Zombies have feelings too, as do their loved ones who may or may not be alive after the zombie apocalypse happens. Just leave all those innocent flesh-eating zombies alone, k. Promise? Unless, of course, a family member of a specific zombie hires you to hunt down said zombie for the sole purpose of decapitating them.

Me: Uhhhh...no. If a zombie apocalypse happens I'm going to decapitate EVERY ZOMBIE I SEE. Wanna know why? Because I'm thoughtful. See, if I'm ever unfortunate enough to become a zombie I hope someone would be thoughtful enough to decapitate me and burn my remains to ash. As far as I'm concerned it would be incredibly disrespectful to do otherwise.

I certainly don't want to walk the earth for an indefinite amount of time, rotting away and eating other people. What if I end up being one of those naked zombies? No one wants to be a naked zombie. I'd rather be dead dead then be a naked zombie, or a zombie of any sort for that matter.

Also? Zombies carry disease. A freaking plague. Why wouldn't I want to stop that from spreading?

I have zero desire to finish Rot & Ruin despite the fact I've got only 25 pages to go. Like I said earlier, there is a laaaaaame teenage romance that pretty much hijacks the plot. I probably would just bite the bullet and finish the book if I hadn't had to force myself to get this far. So no, I can't do it Cap'n.

Jonathan Maberry is totally going be among the first to die when zombies attack. Mark my words.  Two stars.

Review: Graceling (The Seven Kingdoms #1) by Kristin Cashore

Katsa has been able to kill a man with her bare hands since she was eight—she’s a Graceling, one of the rare people in her land born with an extreme skill. As niece of the king, she should be able to live a life of privilege, but Graced as she is with killing, she is forced to work as the king’s thug. 

When she first meets Prince Po, Graced with combat skills, Katsa has no hint of how her life is about to change. She never expects to become Po’s friend. She never expects to learn a new truth about her own Grace—or about a terrible secret that lies hidden far away . . . a secret that could destroy all seven kingdoms with words alone.

---- 

I read Graceling over a year ago and i feel it necessary to say: I don't like this book. The romance is incredibly unromantic and the rest of the story is some (crazy man-hating version of) feminist propaganda.

I happen to like books which feature feminist heroines and are light on the romance. So I should like this book, right? Yeah, but I didn't. First of all, Katsa acts like a petulant child throughout the entire book, not some feminist poster child. Also, I felt like the author spent too much time trying to sell us her agenda: dresses are the worst, femininity is wrong, men don't respect women, commitment ruins relationships, marriage is a tool of the devil, and so on.

Look, I understand that some women feel that way, and I'm completely cool with it. I'd be lying if I said I've never thought some of the same things once or twice. That said, I hate how the author shoves her views down my throat instead of telling me a story that causes me to think. To me it's clear Cashore strongly believes women need to act like men in order to be legitimate. Not just men but men who have intimacy issues.

Every other woman in this book is portrayed as weak and dumb. So basically, in the Seven Kingdom universe, unless you're an angry, dress-hating, man-hating woman with an aversion to commitment there is something wrong with you.

News Flash: femininity isn't anti-feminist. I'm sorry but it is possible for independent, intelligent and stable women to embrace their femininity without losing credibility. And anyway, isn't that the point of the feminist movement? Gaining equality without having to act like 'one of the guys'?

I could have handled Katsa's aversion to relationships if she hadn't had any feelings for Poe, or if she knew she wasn't emotionally ready to make that sort of commitment. But no, the whole thing was built up do be some great personal strength of hers. In the end it just felt like she ('she' being Katsa. Or Cashore. Kat-Shore?) was trying to prove a point or something, like "look at how independent I am. I'm not a barnacle. I don't need a man...except for when I needs teh sex. Poe, I'm sorry you lost your sight and all, but never fear, my lover, I'll prolly be drunk-dialing you in the future, cause I am comfortable with my sexuality. kthanxbai. *sob* Walking away is way hard, which is why I am so strong. *sob* Grrrrrrrrrrrrrl Powerrrrrr!"

Yeah, because being a loving, trusting, equal and committed relationship isn't a sign of strength. Strength can only be had by loners who don't like to commit because doing so will supposedly lower their self-worth ...ummm....I mean..."independent" people.

Also, it has to be said: The love scene grosses me out as much or more than the sex scene in Titanic and/or Avatar. Some people just don't know how to write a love scene. James Cameron and Kristin Cashore are among that group.

Two stars because the concept was cool. Too bad it was poorly executed.

Update 12/02/11: my feelings about this book have not changed but I feel the need to correct something.  Ever since reading this guest post over at The Book Lantern written by Katya of Readers United I've been feeling the need to come back here and take back a couple of my comments.  Katya points out authors are not their characters and I agree, they aren't.  They don't necessarily have to share their characters viewpoints or values.  


Kristin Cashore is not Katsa.  It was wrong of me to say so.  


That said, I really wish Katsa had grown to appreciate the fact that femininity is not a bad thing.  She didn't need to start loving dresses or anything, but I wish she'd have come across a character that was feminine and  strong, or married and equal to her partner.  I wish she'd have realized that it is possible to be an intelligent, independent woman without having to lash out all the time.  I'm not saying Katsa needed to change her lifestyle, but I would have liked to see her acknowledge that not all women are helpless morons. 

She despises all other women, does not seem proud to be a woman.  In fact, I'd say she's ashamed.  HOW IS THAT FEMINIST!?  It would have been great to see her trying to inspire others instead of look down on them.  

And anyway, I got the impression the only reason every man (except Po) took Katsa seriously is because she could kill just by touching another person, not because her work ethic, intellect or independence.  It's not like anyone would actually try to stop her from doing whatever the hell she wanted to do.  It's not like she actually had to fight for anything she wanted, unlike every other "stupid" woman in the seven kingdoms.  I fail to see how she's some feminist poster child.  Unless of course having the ability to kill others at will (because supposedly that's the only reason anyone would ever take a woman seriously) is requisite to being a card-carrying feminist.  If so, we're all screwed.   

Also?  All the angry lashing-out did not add to her credibility, if anything it took away from it.  Having a chip on your shoulder doesn't make you feminist.  I mean, yeah, some feminists do have a chip on their shoulder, but so do lots of people.  The two are not mutually exclusive.