Katya's World

The distant and unloved colony world of Russalka has no land, only the raging sea. No clear skies, only the endless storm clouds. Beneath the waves, the people live in pressurised environments and take what they need from the boundless ocean. It is a hard life, but it is theirs and they fought a war against Earth to protect it. But wars leave wounds that never quite heal, and secrets that never quite lie silent.

Katya Kuriakova doesn’t care much about ancient history like that, though. She is making her first submarine voyage as crew; the first nice, simple journey of what she expects to be a nice, simple career.

There is nothing nice and simple about the deep black waters of Russalka, however; soon she will encounter pirates and war criminals, see death and tragedy at first hand, and realise that her world’s future lies on the narrowest of knife edges. For in the crushing depths lies a sleeping monster, an abomination of unknown origin, and when it wakes, it will seek out and kill every single person on the planet.

------

I had a difficult time rating this book. It's good. I like it. 


...BUT it's lacking. 


What is it lacking? More. It's lacking more. This story could be the beginning of an epic sci-fi series--for all I know it actually is--but from what I can gather it is a standalone. A frakking standalone! I find this frustrating because there is so much here, so much meaty goodness. There's enough here for a series and a couple different spinoff series, at least. 

I want to know more! I want more! 

One thing. I'm a little disappointed in some of the characterization and—okay make that a couple things—some of the convienient events that took place in order for the author to wrap things up sooner rather than later. I was fully expecting for this book to end with some sort of cliffhanger, something to indicate this story would definitely be continuing. But, no, that did not happen. 

Also, not that I mind it, this book has no romance of any sort. Again, this doesn't bother me because I'm not a fan of romantic plot lines, especially when a romance overshadows everything else. But I know the lack of romance will cause many a reader to pass up on this little piece of awesomeness. 

It's unfortunate because there is an amazing universe laying within the pages of this book. It has a lot going for it. 3 stars.

A e-galley of this book was provided by Netgalley.  My views are my own.   

<b>Update:</b> since writing this review I have learned from Goodreader, Amanda, that this is the first book in a trilogy.  I am so excited to read the next book, Katya's War.  

Review: Pure by Julianna Baggott

We know you are here, our brothers and sisters . . .

Pressia barely remembers the Detonations or much about life during the Before. In her sleeping cabinet behind the rubble of an old barbershop where she lives with her grandfather, she thinks about what is lost-how the world went from amusement parks, movie theaters, birthday parties, fathers and mothers . . . to ash and dust, scars, permanent burns, and fused, damaged bodies. And now, at an age when everyone is required to turn themselves over to the militia to either be trained as a soldier or, if they are too damaged and weak, to be used as live targets, Pressia can no longer pretend to be small. Pressia is on the run.
 

Burn a Pure and Breathe the Ash . . .

There are those who escaped the apocalypse unmarked. Pures. They are tucked safely inside the Dome that protects their healthy, superior bodies. Yet Partridge, whose father is one of the most influential men in the Dome, feels isolated and lonely. Different. He thinks about loss-maybe just because his family is broken; his father is emotionally distant; his brother killed himself; and his mother never made it inside their shelter. Or maybe it's his claustrophobia: his feeling that this Dome has become a swaddling of intensely rigid order. So when a slipped phrase suggests his mother might still be alive, Partridge risks his life to leave the Dome to find her.
When Pressia meets Partridge, their worlds shatter all over again. 

-----

Wow.  I don't even...

I mean, there's just so much to...

What can I say about this book that hasn't

This book is so...gross.  That's it, that's how I'm going to start this review: this book is gross.  And frightening.  It's everything Anna Dressed in Blood wishes it was—disgusting and terrifying.  I mean, homicidal ghosts?  Pshh.  That's child's play.  But post-apocalyptic life with all the food shortages, diseases, no order, no normalcy, mutants—like really nasty looking mutant-y mutants—and horrible ways to die around every corner?  Now that's what I call pants-peeing, nightmare-inducing, huddle-in-corner-crying-out-for-your-momma scary.  As far as I'm concerned that's not a bad thing.

Funny thing is, this cover did not in any way prepare me for the demented, never-ending county fair Fun House I entered.  I mean, it looks so innocent, doesn't it?  All pretty-like with a sophisticated font and gorgeous sapphire-blue butterfly.  It looks like a fairly tame book about something fresh and...pure, am I right?  Probably something about Soul Mates and rainbows and unicorns.  You know, the sort of cutesy idealized thing that typically makes me want to chuck a book across a room.

But it's not.

I figured out there is a reason for that, by the way, the whole innocent-looking-on-the-outside-but-jacked-up-on-the-inside thing this book has going for it, but that's not something I'm going to discuss in this review.

I want to give Pure more stars because, story-wise, it is pretty enjoyable, for the most part.  And the gross-out factor is off the charts a-mazing, same goes for the scare factor.  But did Julianna Baggott write a five-star worthy read?  Not so much.  I mean, sure, when it comes to recent YA genre dystopias/post-apocalyptic books Pure is sort of up there with The Hunger Games and Ship Breaker, beating out all of the other competition.

But...truthfully?  I wasn't so wholly invested that I was able to overlook all the sciencefail! and believabilityfail!  And it's not like I'm one of those people who find it difficult to suspend disbelief.  I read plenty of books with ridiculous and often impossible story lines and I'm able to believe those just fine.  It's just, for whatever reason, there was much that didn't work for me because the author didn't sell it right or whatever.

For example there is this one character that somehow knows everything about everything, even taught himself how to read Japanese.  Keep in mind said character raised himself in a post-apocalyptic hellhole from the time he was nine years old.  I mean, come on!  The world as we know it has ended, death and destruction and scary mutants are everywhere.  And you want me to believe some little kid, who is taking care of himself is like "Gee, I sure miss everything.  I think I'll teach myself how to read Japanese because it might actually come in handy some day.  You know, since Japanese above all other languages is the one I'm most-likely going to need to know how to read."  No!  I don't buy it.  Orphan be learning how to fend for himself in a cruel every-mutant-for-himself world, not teaching himself how to read Japanese OR study nanotechnology in-depth.

And at no point during this book did I learn how our world got from how things are today to some crazy-go-nuts uber-religous society that shuns modern feminism in favor of some brand of not-feminist feminism to eventually blowing itself to high hell.  This bugs me.

If I were to be completely honest, for whatever reason I couldn't stop thinking about one of my favorite children's books of all time while I was reading Pure.  It's called Everyone is Different.  If you don't know what I'm talking about go read it, I'll wait right here.



Are you done?  Great book, right?

Pure is pretty much the same as Everyone is Different.  I mean, you know, basically.  Maybe there isn't any squirrel-handedness going on in Pure but there sure is a lot of doll-head-handedness and bird-backedness going on.  Instead of characters being fangoriously devoured by a gelatinous beast there's a lot of characters being fangoriously devoured by dust-beasts and other such mutants.  There are weird names, like Partridge and Pressia and El Capitan.  Some characters are tall and merciless.  Some characters are about to be hit by cars and other characters who have rigged the "enemy base" with explosives.  There may even be a point in which no two characters are not on fire.  And yes, in this book everyone is different.  

I wish I could give this book four or five stars, but I can't.  That said, I still do like it and I'm going to recommend it to anyone looking for a post-apocalyptic read.  Three stars.

Review: Girl in the Arena by Lise Haines

 Lyn is a neo-gladiator's daughter, through and through. Her mother has made a career out of marrying into the high-profile world of televised blood sport, and the rules of the Gladiator Sports Association are second nature to their family. Always lend ineffable confidence to the gladiator.  Remind him constantly of his victories. And most importantly: Never leave the stadium when your father is dying. The rules help the family survive, but rules and the GSA can also turn against you. When a gifted young fighter kills Lyn's seventh father, he also captures Lyn's dowry bracelet, which means she must marry him... For fans of The Hunger Games and Fight Club, Lise Haines's debut novel is a mesmerizing look at a world addicted to violence; a modern world that's disturbingly easy to imagine.

----

 

I want to give Girl in the Arena four--possibly even five--stars, because it has something few other books I've had the pleasure of reading has. Something I've been looking for, desperately, within YA fiction. Something that just...I don't know... Just speaks to me, I guess; feels true. I can relate to it, to the protagonist, how she feels. I understand her because, in a way, I was her.  Maybe, from time to time, I still am her.

To help you understand where I'm coming from I need to go back. Way back. Back to August 3, 2008, when I finished reading the flaming garbage pile that is called Breaking Dawn. As I closed the book, I sat back and contemplated what I'd just read. I was speechless at first, trying to pinpoint why Bella's picture perfect Happily Ever After made me angry beyond all reason.

The next morning I called my friends, asked them what they thought of the book. And you know what? I was shocked--shocked!--to discover none of my friends were dissatisfied. So I ran to the internet--to GoodReads--and sought out others who felt the way I did. I discovered a little group of disillusioned Twilight fans and together we ripped Breaking Dawn to shreds. Upon doing so, I saw what it was that bugged me so much: EVERYTHING.  The entire book.

I especially hated how everyone was eating that piece of creeptastic wish-fulfillment up and begging for more.  Listening to people refer to it as 'beautiful literature' was enough to stoke my fiery rage.   I was embarrassed for every grown woman who referred to stalkerific Edward as the perfect man. I felt bad for the teens who thought Edward and Bella were the epitome of twu wuv--The ideal.

So stupid, the lot of them, I thought to myself. I'm glad my girls are too young to read the Twilight series. It was then a bunch of horrible and very-much insane thoughts popped into my head.

Oh, holy crap! My girls--my babies!--will grow up and they might read this garbage and think it's romantic. What if they start wishing to be just like Bella? What if they allow their lives to revolve around "beautiful" and mysterious boys? What if they lose the best parts of themselves in pursuit of an unrealistic, bastardized version of romantic love? They'll become pathetic losers. Weaklings with no identities, no goals to call their own. No one will respect them! They'll die alone! In vomit-filled gutters!  Oh, the humanity!

Clearly I was being crazy, but can you blame me? Twilight mania had just set in--worldwide might I add. It was an ugly time in history.

I was upset Twilight was this Really Big Deal, had such a massive following. I hated that no one could shut up about it--not even me! I kept wondering what I could do to insure my girls wouldn't grow up to be useless human beings like Bella Swan.  And then it came to me: keep teaching them. Encourage them to be themselves, to be proud of who they are.  Teach about setting goals and what steps to take in order to accomplish them. Encourage them to think for themselves, teach them self-reliance.

There was a bunch of other things I resolved to do, but I couldn't figure out how to solve the pesky problem of the Twilight series and books that were similar.  I was never going to forbid my girls from reading them, but I wanted them to be smart enough to see past all the glitter and not get too caught up in the fantasy.

I came up with the idea of building a little library, a collection made up of the best books.  I wanted it to be something my girls could enjoy, so of course it needed a killer YA selection.  But what books would I put there?  It would have to contain more than just the classics, that I was sure, but was there any contemporary YA literature that was worthwhile?  At that time I just didn't know.

And that, my fellow GoodReaders, is when I started reading everything YA in pursuit of awesome books with really great protagonists.  Over the years I've read some heinous stuff, but I've also had the opportunity to read some truly beautiful literature.  This book, Girl in the Arena, is, in some ways, among the best of the best.  It contains a pretty solid message without being preachy.  It brings up some legitimate questions, questions teenage girls should be asking themselves if they aren't already doing so.  Questions I once asked, about who I was, what I stood for, how strongly I stood for it, what lengths I'd go in order to be true to myself, and whether or not I cared how my actions might affect family members and other loved ones.  This book? Asks all those questions and more.  It introduces some interesting ideas, too.  Honestly, I got lost within the pages of Girl in the Arena.  In some ways it was a really great, near ideal, reading experience.

All of that said, this book is riddled with flaws.  Errors of all sort, big and little.  Glaring ones that made me want to give up on this book early on.  The world-building is pretty weak in some places, non-existent in others.  This book assumes I know exactly what's going on in the protagonists world.  But see, I don't.  I don't even know what year it's supposed to be.  I was never sold on the Gladiator culture, why they all did what they did.  I didn't understand why anyone would adhere to such stringent rules, rules that interfered/controlled their personal lives so thoroughly.  Especially when religion was in no way part of the equation.  Was the government involved?  What happened to the government, exactly?  Where were the protestors, the people who opposed gladiatorial battles to the death?  Where was PITA?  Why weren't they throwing buckets of blood at the gladiators who fought and killed animals in the arena?

The writing style was enough to make me want to poke my eyes out (until I got used to it).  Instead of using quotation marks to indicate dialogue, the author used em dashes.  At first I wasn't always sure who was saying what.  It looks like this:

   

—Maybe we should stop eating meat.

    —You better talk with Allison, I said. —The freezer is half cow.

    —We could give it away.

    —Before she gets home? I joked.

    He got another knife out of the drawer and began to cut up the tomatoes. 

    —Sure, why not?  he said earnestly.  

See what I mean?  Really annoying.  And really, who writes like that?

There are other things that bothered me, but I don't care to go into all that, especially since I pretty much love this book despite all the flaws.  I know it doesn't quite make sense considering how picky I can be.  I can't say I completely understand why I feel the overwhelming need to overlook the glaring technical imperfections and give this book three stars, but I do.

This book just speaks to me on multiple levels.  And no, it's not because of some convoluted love story (although, yeah, there is the beginnings of a love story but that isn't a major element of the book).  It's just about a girl trying to do the "right" thing, whatever that may be, and not lose herself in the process.  She wants more than what her upbringing says she's allowed to have.  She wants to be more.  In the end she is and I can't imagine a more beautiful Happily Ever After than that.  After all, that's what I want for myself, for my girls.

Officially 3-stars.  Unofficially 5-stars. 

Video: The Joy of Books

Review: One For The Money by Janet Evanovitch

Welcome to colorful Trenton, New Jersey, and the wild and wonderful world of Stephanie Plum. In One for the Money, rookie "apprehension agent" Plum may be a bit wet behind the ears, but nobody's gonna take it easy on her; especially her first skip, an ex-cop and murder suspect named Morelli.

----

 Honesty time.



I'm among the 1%.




Whoa, folks.  Not this 1% (although how awesome would that be?  Owning attack hounds.  Rocking a monocle.  Wearing titanium shoes.  Using fancy words like 'indubitably' and 'mustachioed'.  I'd be the best billionaire evah.)

I'm talking about the other 1%.  You know, the people who read One for the Money and didn't like it.  People such as:


The Church Lady


Grumpy Old Man


These guys



...Me...

(I guess this means I'm officially old and boring or whatever.) 

But yeah, I totally do not like this book unlike 99% of the GoodReads population.  As far as I'm concerned One for the Money is a dated, exceptionally lame version of The Jersey Shore in which everyone is sporting spandex, big hair, and sexist attitudes. 

So basically it's almost exactly the same as every episode of The Jersey Shore.  Except with more guns.


Not these guns...


Now that's more like it.

Exactly like the Jersey Shore with lots of real guns.  And a really dumb grown woman who cannot be bothered to learn how to shoot a gun even though she's carrying one with her at all times. 

Why, you ask? 

Because she's being stalked by a rapist.  A really violent, super-dangerous raping-rapist who totally wants to rape her.  A lot. 

But that's not all, folks.  There is also a really mysterious mystery.  (A rape-y mystery.) 

This really attractive MENSA candidate wrapped in spandex who can't shoot a gun to save her life is named Stephanie Plum.  Stephanie is trying to solve a mystery so she can help clear the name and reputation of the guy who sexually assaulted her when they were children the smoosh-worthy skeevy man-whore love interest.  All so she can haul him into jail for jumping bail and collect the $20,000 bounty on his head, or whatever. 

In the meantime sexual tension is building between the two.  They're tripping over all the innuendo.  It's sexy and mysterious.  And full of (dumb-)damsel-in-distress like situations.   

How could I not love this book, you ask?  I just don't.  Although, I think I just proved I'm old and boring. If you're not old or boring, and you really love the Jersey Shore, One for the Money might just be right up your alley.  1.5 stars.

Ravings of an Irrelevant Book Blogger: My Thoughts on Snow Flower and the Secret Fan (Before Reading)

Does Oprah still have a book club? Is it secretly running underground? Is the first rule Don't Talk About Book Club? I mean, how else would every woman my age know about this book? It seems as though all my GR friends over the age of 30, many of which are lucky to finish reading 12 books a year, have read or plan on reading it. I just heard about Snow Flower and the Secret Fan's existence yesterday. This is odd because regardless of what genres I prefer to read I'm usually up to date on what's the newest hottest thing in the literary world.

That said, I tend to avoid this sort of literature like the plague, so it's no surprise that I likely walked past it countless times without taking a second glance. I mean, just look at the cover. It's bland as a bowl of plain oatmeal. Granted there are flowers on it, but I don't even like flowers all that much, or Chinese fans. Based on the title I can tell it's the sort of historical fiction that is chalk-full of horrors to woman-kind. The sort of writing rife with Emotional Porn. You know, the kind that will force you to collapse on the ground, snotting and sobbing and crying out for your momma.

*rolls eyes* I really can't believe this is the sort of thing, statistically speaking, I should want to read. I mean, I am a woman. I am over thirty. This should be my bread and butter.

But it's not. It's totally not.

I've always known I was different, and not in a quirky, adorable way. Different because I snarl in the face of convention without even meaning to. I don't fit the mold. It's like I belong on the Island of Misfit Toys Women.

Whatever. I'll read Snow Flower and the Secret Fan. I'll do it because I'm sick of being the only woman in the room that doesn't know all about whatever crappy new book all the Dignified Women are reading, especially when I'm the most well-read of the bunch. But if it contains something along the lines of 'You is kind, you is smart, you is important' all bets are off.

P.S. I'm willing to bet Snow Flower and the Secret Fan is much less inspiring than Eon: Dragoneye Reborn.

Ravings of an Irrelevant Book Blogger

I'm no fool, I know no one is watching.  Google Analytics does not lie.  But you know what?  I find the fact that no one is watching ridiculously liberating.  I could say just about anything and it wouldn't matter.  I could admit that secretly love 'Stars Are Blind' by Paris Hilton, that I'm listening to it as I type this and no one would know.  This blog is like the Carson Daily Show of the internet--does his show still exist, by the way? (See?  See what I mean, self?)  Hardly anyone is visiting my little book blog, not even my mother.

Not yet, anyway.

Oh, but they'll come.  And they'll like it, too.  I'll be like The Bloggess, except I'll talk about books and be a lot less relevant.  It's going to be great.  I'll have reviews and interviews and giveaways.  People will subscribe, they'll love me.  And then?  When I finally win the internet the ARCs and galleys will come pouring in from all the major publishing houses.  I'll be swimming in free books.  A library of my very own.
 

(Soon preciousss.  Soooooooooon.)

Review: City of Ghosts (Downside Ghosts #3) by Stacia Kane

(Hey everyone! If all goes well this will end up being an honest to goodness--traditional--book review.  Before I get started I feel I should warn everyone I have ADHD and my medication is starting to wear off, also I dislike doing things the way they should be done--did I mention I also have Oppositional Defiant Disorder?   Because I totally do.  Anyway, my point is, despite the fact that I'm attempting to write a legitimate review I might go off on a few tangents like this.  Just thought I'd warn you.)


When City of Ghosts begins our protagonist, Chess, is on medical leave, recovering from the events of the last book.  Not only has her work life been put on hold, but her personal life is in shambles.  The only friend Chess ever had--Terrible, enforcer to a powerful drug lord--wants nothing to do with her, treats her with disdain, and rebuffs her attempts to make things right.  The other guy in Chess's life, Lex, is reluctant to walk away even after Chess tells him she's not interested.  She wonders why she let anyone into her life to begin with; a solitary life was less complicated.  Much drugs are had.

Then it seems things start looking up for Chess.  She's able to return to work, agreeing to assist the Black Squad on a particularly difficult case involving black magic.  Bound by a powerful spell, Chess is unable to tell anyone what she's doing, why she's investigating a building near one of her dealer's properties.  Because of this she is forced into working with Terrible once again--though, in all honesty, she craves Terrible's company, wants a chance to talk to him--and allow him to accompany whenever possible as she investigates so he can piece together what's really going on and report back to his boss.

Duty bound, Terrible does as he's told--works with Chess--but he is mercilessly cruel, says the worst things to Chess he is less than happy about it.  They discover there may be more to the case than originally thought: more players in the game, and a form of black magic Chess has never encountered before.  To make matters worse the woman Chess is reporting to is condescending and just plain irritating to be around.  Oh, yeah, and Lex keeps showing up.   It's a disaster.

I enjoyed this installment of the Downside Ghosts series.  I wish I could say I loved it, that I'll be giving City of Ghosts five stars, but I can't.  While I reveled in the relationship aspect, I sort of had to slog through the mystery/Chess's professional life.  It's not that the latter was uninteresting, it's just that personal relationships have become a big part of Chess's life, key to her overall character development.  Things between Chess and Terrible are so unbearably awful that it's difficult for Chess not think about it all the time.  Even I spent way too much time being angst-ridden over the whole ordeal.  I lost much sleep over it, walked around feeling like crap for a couple of days.  True story.  This isn't typical behavior; it's rare for a book to affect me so immensely.  

Because of my complete inability to relax until things were somehow resolved between Chess and Terrible, I could not focus on the mystery.  This is pretty unfortunate as the details of this particular case were a lot more complicated than any of the other cases Chess has worked on.  Which means I got a little confused from time to time and I was frustrated with myself and the book. 

Do I place the blame on Stacia Kane?  In her writing?  Her storytelling abilities, originality and timing?  When it comes to this specific series I'd have to say no, I don't blame Stacia Kane.  Sure there are aspects of the Downside universe that don't quite work for me, some of the details are a little fuzzy, and some grammatical errors (ironic I point this out, I know, seeing as I hardly ever edit what I say or write) but none of it stopped me from being so completely consumed by this series that I could do little more than think about it for a week straight.

I mean, it's a dystopian urban fantasy about a drug addict who traps ghosts for a living.  The characters are named Chess and Terrible. Other than Kane's talent for storytelling, for writing emotion in such a way that moved me on so many levels, there's no reason for this series to be among my favorites.

But it is, it totally is.  The Downside Ghost series by Stacia Kane is going on my 'favorites' shelf.  And even though City of Ghosts probably only deserves three stars--overall--I'm going to go ahead and give it four because it ends on such a satisfying note. 

I recommend this book, this series, for lovers of urban fantasy or those looking for something new.

Review: Unholy Magic (Downside Ghosts #2) by Stacia Kane

ENEMIES DON’T NEED TO BE ALIVE TO BE DEADLY.

For Chess Putnam, finding herself near-fatally poisoned by a con psychic and then stopping a murderous ghost is just another day on the job. As an agent of the Church of Real Truth, Chess must expose those looking to profit from the world’s unpleasant little poltergeist problem—humans filing false claims of hauntings—all while staving off any undead who really are looking for a kill. But Chess has been extra busy these days, coping with a new “celebrity” assignment while trying on her own time to help some desperate prostitutes.

Someone’s taking out the hookers of Downside in the most gruesome way, and Chess is sure the rumors that it’s the work of a ghost are way off base. But proving herself right means walking in the path of a maniac, not to mention standing between the two men in her life just as they—along with their ruthless employers—are moving closer to a catastrophic showdown. Someone is dealing in murder, sex, and the supernatural, and once again Chess finds herself right in the crossfire.

----

Kat, fellow Goodreader (and my favorite Australian) summed up this book best: gut-wrenching. This book ripped out my innards, tap danced all over them, unceremoniously shoved them back inside me, and sewed me up haphazardly. Sure, in the end, my guts were no longer all over the place but serious damage was done. And I liked it. Sounds like I'm being over-dramatic, I know, but you should see my Unholy Magic status updates.

This book, Stacia Kane's writing, sent me on an emotional roller coaster ride from hell. Now, don't get me wrong, this isn't a bad thing. I mean, I do love roller coasters. I love the sensation of plunging down steep slopes and shooting through loop-de-loops at eleventy-billion miles an hour. I love screaming like a maniac, thinking I might die any second (knowing I won't). But see, that's just a regular roller coaster ride.

Unholy Magic, is more like a terrifying ride on a rickety old roller coaster that may or may not be missing some track. While being stark naked. Halfway through the ride you see that, indeed, there is a section of the track missing, and you realize you're about to die--But, wait! Instead of flying off the track and plummeting to a gruesome death, the roller coaster sails across the gap--Speed style--and lands on the other side, tracks lined up and everything. It's unbelievable.

In the end you're still alive and you feel exhilarated and invincible and you want to do it again. You see that you can because, hey, there aren't many people in line. But as you prepare to get up you vomit in the lap of the stranger sitting next to you.  Oh, and hey, you're still mysteriously naked.  

It's horrible, but in the best way possible. Does that make sense?

Now you're probably thinking I don't like like this book--I mean, "horrible in the best way possible" doesn't sound like high praise, amirite?  Well, you couldn't be more wrong.   I enjoyed Unholy Magic despite all the feelings--some downright beautiful, some so cringe-worthy I wanted to crawl in a hole and die--it stirred within me.

I don't know, I guess the best way to describe the experience is by saying Kane's writing is such that I felt as though I was there, within the pages of the book, watching everything play out. Not only that but I felt all of the characters emotions and it was amazing and terrifying and overwhelming all at the same time.

It was great.

I'll be reading Unholy Magic again, sooner rather than later, I just need a little time to recover. Four stars.

Review: Unholy Ghosts (Downside Ghosts #1) by Stacia Kane

THE DEPARTED HAVE ARRIVED.

The world is not the way it was. The dead have risen, and the living are under attack. The powerful Church of Real Truth, in charge since the government fell, has sworn to reimburse citizens being harassed by the deceased. Enter Chess Putnam, a fully tattooed witch and freewheeling ghost hunter. She’s got a real talent for banishing the wicked dead. But Chess is keeping a dark secret: She owes a lot of money to a murderous drug lord named Bump, who wants immediate payback in the form of a dangerous job that involves black magic, human sacrifice, a nefarious demonic creature, and enough wicked energy to wipe out a city of souls. Toss in lust for a rival gang leader and a dangerous attraction to Bump’s ruthless enforcer, and Chess begins to wonder if the rush is really worth it. Hell, yeah.

----

I'm going to start this review off on a tangent--when do I not?  As far as I'm concerned 2011 has been the Year of Meh.   Television has been practically unwatchable.  Movies released this year: heinous.  The books were, at best, mediocre.  Admittedly, there were a few notable exceptions but, for the most part, I'm disappointed.  

Over the past six months I've grown weary; struggled to finish most of what I've started, and, by the way, failing more often then not--you should see my pile of abandoned books.  Because of this I've been feeling the need to take a step back, maybe not read so much.  Maybe spend my money more wisely--it is ridiculous how much I spend on books and audiobooks.   You know, take a break. 

2011 killed my love of books (and movies and television).   

That said, over the past couple of days I've fallen in love with books (and reading) all over again.   I'm in love.  Love I tell ya.  Can't-get-enough-make-everyone-sick-can't-eat-or-sleep-head-over-heels in love.  Me and reading?  It's like we're on a second honeymoon.  I have Stacia Kane and her Downside Ghost series to thank because of it.  

I know, I know--none of the books in the Downside Ghost series were published this year.   It doesn't matter.  What does matter is I love reading.  Again.  

Funny thing, it's not like Downside Ghosts is The Best Series, Ever.  And it has to be said: it's definitely not for everyone.  However, as far as I'm concerned, it is compelling and addictive.  It's good.  

So.  Unholy Ghosts.  Where to start?   Twenty-five year old Cesaria "Chess" Putnum is a hot mess, and not in that chick-flick cliche can't-get-my-life-together-because-I'm-so-adorably-clumsy-and-I-wear-glasses-that-make-me-look-unfortunate-until-I-finally-remove-them-during-the-makeover-montage-and-that's-when-everyone-discovers-I'm-super-hot sort of way.  I mean the sort of hot mess that's boozy and pops pills all the live-long day.

I'm not going to lie to you.  I avoided this series for that exact reason.  Boozy pill-poppers just aren't my thing, or so I thought.  The other day I was looking through my kindle bookshelf and I noticed that I had the sample of Unholy Ghosts--for the life of me, I can't remember when I downloaded it.  Curious, figuring I had nothing to lose, I decided to give it a chance before I went ahead and removed it.  Imagine my surprise when I realized I couldn't go the rest of my life without reading more.  So I purchased it (FYI, the Kindle edition of Unholy Ghosts is just 99 cents).  

The thing I like about Chess is, well, I pretty much like everything.  Honestly, I don't even mind that she's a drug addict.  Of course, most of her problems wouldn't happen if she wasn't addicted to pills, but if that were the case Unholy Ghosts wouldn't be so good.  One of my favorite aspects of Chess's life her employment.  She works for the Church of Truth as a Debunker, which is a person who goes around trying to debunk claims of hauntings.  If she's able to then she gets a bonus and if she doesn't the homeowner will be compensated by the church and the debunker will rid the home of the ghost.  

Sidenote: Did I mention this is a dystopian urban fantasy?  Because it is.  Basically way back in the year 1997 ghosts escaped wherever it is ghosts go (or actually The City, as it's called in this series) and got all murdery, killing one-third of the world's population.  At the time The Church of Truth was just a small organization but they succeeded in capturing all the ghosts.  25 years later The Church of Truth is the only religion.   They pretty much run the government too.  Worldwide.  

The church has vowed to keep people safe from ghosts, which is why homeowners are compensated if their haunting is real.  /sidenote

Chess is good at being a Debunker and it's something she's proud of.  She also loves the Church of Truth, despite the fact that it reigns supreme.   I can't fault her for it because everything else in her life is crap--growing up being passed from abusive foster home to abusive foster home will mess you up, you know?  And anyway the Church is the only place she's ever felt safe, the only thing that's ever given her life value.   

Anyway, things get really interesting when Chess's drug dealer blackmails her into working for him. <--and I'm stopping right there because I don't want to ruin it for you.  Plus, this review is entirely too long. 

This isn't my favorite book in the series, there are a few things that didn't exactly work for me, but I still like it. (Just so you know Unholy Magic, the second book in the Downside Ghost series is...um...intense.  I'll be reviewing it soon).  Three stars.  

Review: Anna Dressed In Blood (Anna #1) by Kendare Blake

First off, I feel I should discuss the cover art: I know, I know--everyone loves this cover. Unfortunately it doesn't do anything for me. Look, I stopped being fooled wowed by cover art after reading Fallen by Lauren Kate. That's a lie--the cover for the third Paranormalcy book makes me ridiculously happy, but at least I'm fairly certain I'll like that book since I like the first two books in the series.

In my opinion the following would have made a better cover for Anna Dressed In Blood:

Infinitely better, don't you think?

Moving on...

You know how Cake Pops are the newest, coolest thing in baked goods? And everyone's all "O mai, it'ss teh caaaaaaaake popssssssss!"? And you're standing there thinking, sure they're cute but they're just little glorified cupcakes on sticks? Well, let me start by saying: Anna Dressed in Blood is the Cake Pop of the publishing industry. Sure it's cute(-ish) but I fail to see what the big deal is.

Seriously, what's the big deal?

I've read several reviews that claim this book is hilarious and disgusting and terrifying. Plus! Awesome Characters! Weird Romance! I was under the impression Anna Dressed in Blood was the YA version of Fargo, except with a Very Murdery Ghost instead of a woodchipper. And I was all, sign me up!

My mistake was falling for the hype & actually believing the rumors.


It's not laugh-out-loud funny

"Hey" he says, pulling up a chair. "Aren't you going to eat your Jell-o?"
"I effing hate green Jell-o," I reply, and push it his way.
"I hate it too. I was just asking."
I laugh. "Don't make me hurt my ribs, you dick."

Bahahahahaha. So funny, right?

Kidding! I'm not sure which parts were supposed to be funny, actually. Even during the 30% of this book I did enjoy I never laughed, not even in my head. I'd have settled for a "that's what she said" joke. I'm not too picky when it comes to humor.


It's not terrifying. (Not even a little.)

I keep reading reviews that claim this book is scary. It isn't. Yeah, there's a ghost (a couple, actually). Yeah, Anna likes to make it look like her dress is dripping with blood. Yeah, she murders people. But it just so happens that none of that scared me. If there was a demonic clown in this book then I might have been a little frightened. But, alas, no demonic clowns.


It's not a paranormal romance

As far as I'm concerned it's not PNR unless the romance is a major part of the story. Believe me when I say this: the romance is hardly even present. What little romance there is between Cas and Anna is forced and awkward. I only knew they were in love because I was told as much. There was no flirting. No longing glances. No blushing and looking away. No showing off. Now I can't even remember if there is any kissing. I think there might be a kissing scene, but the romance is so minor I just don't remember. The only things Cas and Anna had in common is both their fathers are dead and (view spoiler). Other than that, I can't think of anything else they might have in common. I would have loved to hear that they both liked the same subjects in school, read the same books, or even that they shared a deep passion for pie, but that never happened. Their conversations consisted of Cas questioning Anna about who killed her, the people she killed and how she feels about it, ghost killing, nightmares, and how to stop the gruesome murders happening in Thunder Bay.

I don't know, maybe that's what passes for romance in Canada these days.

The other romance is more interesting, in that it's an unconventional human pairing. I loves me an unconventional love story. That said, it's still another romance that's only present because we're told as much. Sure, Thomas the Nerd is crushing hard-core on Carmel, the hottest girl in school, but I fail to see why she might return his feelings. He's described as looking like a 12-year-old with unkempt orangey-red hair. He dresses ugly, he's awkward and he has a bit of a chip on his shoulder (which, by the way, conveniently disappears early on in the story). Yes, Thomas is nice to Carmel and worships the ground she walks on, but that's pretty much how everyone treats her. She's the hot girl, remember? So...what's in it for Carmel? I want to know that she finds him attractive on an intellectual level, or that it's his sense of humor and confidence that she finds irresistibly sexy (by the way, he's not funny but he needs to be because he is the plucky side-kick), or that she loves him because he really wants to be with her for her personality and not just her looks.


It's not disgusting

I'm not going to lie to you. All the gory details are vague at best. So if you're not into that sort of thing, don't worry, you're pretty safe. That said, I feel I should warn you: yes, there is some dismemberment, and, yes, it is a little abrupt when it happens the first time, but other than that... *shrug* I've actually seen worse (on tv).

That. Just. Happened. Now please excuse me as I dry-heave for the next 30 seconds.

Which brings me to my next point:


I need the characters to show some genuine emotion

Look, I know I just said that I've seen worse and that's why the gory descriptions didn't affect me. It's just that, had I seen someone dismembered IN REAL LIFE, I'd: 1) vomit 2) vomit some more 3) run away screaming 4) cry 5) dry-heave just thinking about it 6) have nightmares for the rest of my life 7) work it out in therapy.

And that's what I'd do if I never even knew the person.

These kids? Have never seen any real (read: not hallucinations) dismembered bodies, ever. So when they see it happen to people they actually know, I want them to do at least one of the following: 1) run away screaming 2) go into hysterics while standing there 3) go into shock 4) huddle in a corner 5) vomit 6) dry-heave 7) cry about it for more then a paragraph 8) have nightmares 9) call the cops 10) feel survivor guilt.

None of that happened, which is why these teens seem so robotic.

Also? I have a problem with the amount of time these kids spent on getting their stories straight. They spent more time working on alibis then they did thinking about the kids that died horrible, painful deaths. It's seriously disturbing how little they spent thinking about the dead kids or the dead kids' families. And don't tell me it doesn't really matter how they felt about the dead kids because they were bullies who deserved to die.

It's called empathy. Look it up.


(2 stars)


(I have so much more to say but I don't know if I'll be able to finish this review before next week. I'm posting it now as a sort of early Thanksgiving present for everyone. You're welcome.

Happy Thanksgiving!)

Review: Dead on the Delta (Annabelle Lee #1) by Stacey Jay

Once upon a time, fairies were the stuff of bedtime stories and sweet dreams. Then came the mutations, and the dreams became nightmares. Mosquito-size fairies now indulge their taste for human blood—and for most humans, a fairy bite means insanity or death. Luckily, Annabelle Lee isn’t most humans. The hard-drinking, smart-mouthed, bicycle-riding redhead is immune to fairy venom, and able to do the dirty work most humans can’t. Including helping law enforcement— and Cane Cooper, the bayou’s sexiest detective—collect evidence when a body is discovered outside the fairy-proof barricades of her Louisiana town.

But Annabelle isn’t equipped to deal with the murder of a sixyear- old girl or a former lover-turned-FBI snob taking an interest in the case. Suddenly her already bumpy relationship with Cane turns even rockier, and even the most trust-worthy friends become suspects. Annabelle’s life is imploding: between relationship drama, a heartbreaking murder investigation, Breeze-crazed drug runners, and a few too many rum and Cokes, Annabelle is a woman on the run—from her past, toward her future, and into the arms of a darkness waiting just for her. . . .

----

This is the third book written by Stacey Jay that I've read. The first one--YA Fiction--You Are So Undead to Me, was a fun and entertaining read. So enjoyable, in fact, I was glad that I took a chance on an author I'd never heard of before. The second--also YA Fiction--Juliet Immortal, was decidedly not so entertaining. Or fun. Or imaginative. Or worthwhile. Heck, I'm almost done reading it but I just can't muster the strength to finish--I just don't care what happens anymore.

So why did I buy this book which, by the way, was purchased while I was in the middle of forcing myself to slog through the pages of Juliet Immortal? Because it was marked 60% off at Borders, that's why. Also, like I said, Stacey Jay's first offering was quite good, so I was willing to give her another chance. I'm so glad I did.

Dead on the Delta is a new UF series--not YA--that isn't horribly original. Meaning there is a Kick-A Protagonist who has some sort of special ability or power. This Kick-A Protagonist? Has--you guessed it: a troubled past, intimacy issues, and a drinking problem that goes hand in hand with her tendency to pop pills. Did I mention this story is set in Louisiana? Because it is. Also? This book has killer fairies.

That's right. Killer. Fairies.

So why did I like Dead on the Delta despite the fact that it doesn't seem to have anything new to bring to the table, you ask? The protagonist, a 20-something FCC employee/former debutante/med school dropout by the name of Annabelle Lee, is a loveable, albeit prickly, character that I couldn't help but root for. Also her "special power"--immunity to poisonous fairy saliva--is actually not all that special, though only about 5% of the population is immune. So it's not like she's an all-powerful (read: unbearable) Mary Sue.

Anyway, if you're looking for a new UF series to pick up I suggest you give Stacey Jay's Dead on the Delta (book #1 in the Annabelle Lee series) a try.

(4 stars because I was genuinely entertained by this book despite the fact that there were a few things that didn't quite work for me. I will be reading the next book in this series).

Review: Anna and the French Kiss by Stephanie Perkins

Anna is looking forward to her senior year in Atlanta, where she has a great job, a loyal best friend, and a crush on the verge of becoming more. Which is why she is less than thrilled about being shipped off to boarding school in Paris - until she meets Etienne St. Clair: perfect, Parisian (and English and American, which makes for a swoon-worthy accent), and utterly irresistible. The only problem is that he's taken, and Anna might be, too, if anything comes of her almost-relationship back home.

As winter melts into spring, will a year of romantic near - misses end with the French kiss Anna - and readers - have long awaited?

----

I wasn't going to read this book. Really, I wasn't. The title of this book alone is enough to make me run screaming in the opposite direction. And the cover art? Is even worse--I'm not your stereotypical girl in that I don't dream of visiting Paris, for any reason, ever. Though I can't help but admit that all positive reviews from trusted Goodreaders did make me a little curious. I mean, it sounded like this book was a really fun YA romance. But for me YA & Romance are never a good match. The vast majority of YA romances are gag-worthy and cause me to sigh with frustration and/or roll my eyes a lot until I finally chuck them across the room because I've got a migraine.

This past summer I was vacationing with my stepdaughter and she was looking for a fluff-tastic read. Knowing I read quite a bit she asked if I had any suggestions. Since I don't really do fluff I couldn't think of anything besides Unearthly, which she promptly gobbled up and begged for more. Then I remembered a number of my GR friends seemed to like this book and I figured it would be right up her alley as well, so I purchased it.

That was way back in July. And my stepdaughter never got around to reading this book because she was suddenly too busy text messaging her stupid ex-boyfriend (I'm not kidding. The guy is a freaking moron, though I digress). Since then my copy of Anna and the French Kiss has been gathering dust because I didn't get around to returning it before the 14-day grace period for returning books to Barnes & Noble was up.

Then the tenth anniversary of 9/11 snuck up on me and I fell to pieces--I mean, completely freaked out. See, I typically prepare myself for this time of year, make a point to avoid footage or pictures from that day. But, yeah, without really thinking things through I decided I was ready, that I would be okay. Now that the tenth anniversary has come and gone, I'm fairly certain I'll never be ready for any of that, ever.

Anyway, by Sunday night I was in the midst of having an nasty anxiety attack that was only increasing in it's severity. I needed something--anything!--to divert my attention, so I found refuge within the pages of Anna and the French Kiss, the fluffiest novel I own. I'm not going to lie to you, it helped.

Right away I could tell I was probably going to like it. The first paragraph sucked me right in because it reminded me of a cheeky little game my husband and I play where we name every stereotype we know about other countries (we're lame, I know). I liked the opening paragraph so much I then read it to my husband and it brought a small smile to his weary face as well.

Check it out:

"Here's everything I know about France: Madeline and Amélie and Moulin Rouge. The Eiffel Tower and the Arc de Triomphe, although I have no idea what the function of either actually is. Napoleon, Marie Antoinette, and a lot of kings named Louis. I'm not sure what they did either, but I think it has something to do with the French Revolution, which has something to do with Bastille Day. The art museum is called the Louvre and it's shaped like a pyramid and the Mona Lisa lives there along with that statue of that woman missing her arms. And there are cafés or bistros or whatever they call them on every street corner. And mimes. The food is supposed to be good, and the people drink a lot of wine and smoke a lot of cigarettes.

I've heard they don't like Americans, and they don't like white sneakers."

That's just awesome, right? My husband and I particularly loved the bit about mimes. We even added to the list--"Black and white striped shirts", "red scarves", "Berets", "people gnawing on baguettes Regina George style" (see: Mean Girls. And yes, we totally made this one up because we amuse ourselves in the most idiotic of ways), "people pretending they don't speak English", "Escargot!" and so on...

After we finished proving our ignorance to one another I read on.

All-in-all Anna and the French Kiss was a pretty good read. It's not the sort of book I usually pick up, or enjoy, but I liked well enough. It's kind of fun to be inside Anna's head because she's got a quirky personality. Her exchanges with St. Clair are, for the most part, fairly amusing and remind me of the sort of silly and/or ridiculous conversations my husband and I have when we're alone.

That said, I did feel like the story was a tad bit disjointed. The first half of the book is written in such a way that I continuously forgot I was reading a fluffy YA romance, which I really appreciated. The second part of the book is pretty much all fluff, which was alright(-ish). I mean, I could have done without some of the angst (most of which was unnecessary, by the way), and I didn't particularly care for the fact that Anna pretty much becomes a mental patient for the second half of the story, nor did I care much for (view spoiler)

The ending was pretty good, though, which I appreciated. It even has a sweet message, ends on a positive note.

Anyway, because Anna and the French Kiss provided a much needed escape when I needed it most, and because it's much better then most (or even all) fluffy YA romances I've read I'm going to go ahead give it four stars, even though it probably only deserves three. I recommend this to anyone looking for a good fluffy YA romance and/or a quick escape from reality.

Review: Deadline (NewsFlesh #2) by Mira Grant

***Warning: this review contains spoilers for Feed***

I really don't know what I can say about this book besides how disappointed and frustrated it left me. Not that I was expecting something incredible mind you. I mean, it's not like Feed left me begging for more so I have no idea why I gave Deadline the time of day.

Actually I do know. I'm not too bright. I was going to purchase The Demon's Surrender on Tuesday June 14th, because that's when it was released, but for whatever reason the audiobook was not available for sale at audible. So I wasted a precious audible credit on this ridiculously long piece of trash. How long is this audiobook you ask? 15+ hours.

Yes, more then 15 hours of what amounts to a really long episode of The Incredible Hulk, featuring zombies and the magical world of news blogging. Except to make things extra fun The Hulk Bruce Banner Shaun, our main character, has his dead sister's voice stuck in his head running commentary on everything he does. And he talks back to that voice. Vocally. Like, all the time no matter who is around.

When people encounter Shaun's strange behavior and make the mistake of asking if he's feeling okay, Bruce Shaun looses his crap and 'splodes out of his clothes in a fit of rage, turns green and goes on a punching spree. And he's all 'HULK MAD! HULK SMASH! HULK KILL!' starts acting like a massive douche-canoe--like, way more douche-y then he usually acts--and threatening to punch the crap out of whoever had the nerve to ask him about the state of his mental health.

See, that wouldn't be such worrisome behavior if he were some crazy urine-soaked hobo who lives out of a refrigerator box. But see, Shaun is the head blogger at this massive news blog he and his (dead) sister started a few years before. He has a ton of employees all over the world.

Mr Crazy Pants is in charge. Really.

And that's where my first issue with Deadline springs up. Who in their right mind would put up with that crap? The answer is no one. Not even people who are supposedly friends with said crazy person. Especially when that person has not contributed ANYTHING worthwhile to the blog in over a year. A person who doesn't even make any real decisions anymore. A person who does little more then show up and carry on conversations with the dead sister living in his head himself and threaten to punch people, occasionally carrying out those threats and breaking noses in the process.

We're supposed to believe that his employees are that loyal and/or so stupid they'd be willing to stick around and take that sort of abuse. Bloggers who are at the top of their fields and could go to a number of other news blogs or easily start their own.

One could argue that he just lost his sister and these people are just trying to be understanding, but here's the deal: his sister died a year prior to the events in Deadline. Plus, they live in a world where zombies run free. Every last one of them have lost close friends and loved ones yet none of them act like him.

So...what makes Shaun so special?

Nothing. He's not special. Which is why I grew weary of this book almost from the get go. But I kept reading because I thought he was going to calm down and pull his act together. Don't want to be all spoiler-y but it needs to be said: that never happens. In fact his behavior worsens yet NO ONE takes a cattle prod to his crazy ass; no one throws him to the zombies.

There is a whole lot of other stuff that happens which, I'm sorry, doesn't really matter because (view spoiler). To be honest, I feel there is little of importance that goes down in this book. It's all a bunch of happenings that don't amount to anything in the end. If you've read Deadline and you don't agree with me, that's cool. Just do me a favor and ask yourself this: what, if anything, happened in this book that wasn't made so completely pointless by the way the book ended? I bet your answer is along the lines of 'nothing'.

And then there's the plot holes. So many plot holes. Gigantic ones. One in particular that is so infeasible, so massive you sort of want to write Mira Grant hate mail while reading it. Or maybe that's just me.

Speaking of holes, am I the only one that thinks the answer to the zombie problem, should a zombie apocalypse ever occur, is the Grand Canyon? I mean, it's a massive hole in the ground, right? All we'd have to do is round up and herd all the zombies to the Grand Canyon. We could walk them in at ground level and then brick them in, or just let them walk over the cliffs (this option is rather inhumane but, hey, it's flesh-eating, disease-carrying zombies we're talking about not adorable puppies and kitties). I'm also willing to consider using Carlsbad Caverns, as it is also a massive hole in the ground and I'm not a huge fan of New Mexico.

Also:



/tangent

Don't even get me started about Shaun's (not at all thought out) motorcycle ride of karma from zombie hell. I'm sorry but who is that stupid? Why would anyone let anyone else ride a motorcycle into a place so insanely infested with zombies? I kept wondering why they couldn't strap that thing to the back of the van, or, I don't know, LEAVE IT BEHIND. Hell, even if there really wasn't room left inside the van, Shaun could have easily strapped himself to the roof, or (call me crazy) strap some of their equipment to the roof of the van in order to make room for him. Either way, he would have been safer.

One last thing: (view spoiler)

I will not be reading the third book in this series. One-and-a-half stars.

Review for Beauty Queens by Libba Bray

From bestselling, Printz Award-winning author Libba Bray, the story of a plane of beauty pageant contestants that crashes on a desert island.

Teen beauty queens. A "Lost"-like island. Mysteries and dangers. No access to emall. And the spirit of fierce, feral competition that lives underground in girls, a savage brutality that can only be revealed by a journey into the heart of non-exfoliated darkness. Oh, the horror, the horror! Only funnier. With evening gowns. And a body count.

----

Preheat oven to 375 degrees. In a large bowl, mix the plots from Drop Dead Gorgeous, Austin Powers, Mean Girls, Lost, and Lord of the Flies. Whip until nice and fluffy. Stir in equal parts Bollywood, Boy Bands, Pirates, An Evil Corporation, Crappy Parenting, Reality TV, Miss Teen USA pageants, and commercials aimed at teens. Next add 4 cups Teenage Sexuality (all types), 2 cups Feminism, 1/2 cup Identity Issues, 1/2 cup Self-Esteem Issues, 16-Teenage Beauty Queens (all types. Just make sure one is much more intelligent then the others), a handful of henchmen, a handful of open-minded hot guys with British accents, one hot eco-"terrorist", one crazy-go-nuts dictator, copious amounts of satire, and 1-20 oz. bag of Sarah Palin. Stir until well blended. Batter will be slightly lumpy. Pour into cupcake pans (cuz cupcakes are all the rage, yo!) Bake for: 35 minutes. Let cool.

Frosting: Mix equal parts Sunshine, Love, World Peace, Sparkle Ponies, Sequined Dresses, Cute Shoes, Makeup, GRRRRRRRRRL POWER! a handful of sand, one Lesbian makeout session, and one Sex Tape. Whip until creamy.

Frost cupcakes then sprinkle with way too many unnecessary footnotes. Top each cupcake with a maraschino cherry that has been laced with an organic hallucinogen.

Take those cupcakes and dumb them down. Dumb them down again. A little more...

One more time...

Stop!

Okay, there you have it: the recipe for Libba Bray's Beauty Queens (in cupcake form). Enjoy!

2.5 stars. Real review to be posted after the weekend.

---

I spent the weekend thinking about what I would say in this review, how I would explain my beef with this book. I want to make it clear, I don't hate Beauty Queens, nor do I like it.

It was okay, overall. I mean, sure, it did have it's moments. Not that Beauty Queens caused me to laugh out loud--because it didn't, especially not after the novelty of the "helpful" footnotes and commercial parodies wore off. They were fun for the first few chapters, then they became an irritation.

Also, I don't particularly care for Libba Bray's brand of satire. At times it was so overdone it only inspired sighs of frustration, eye-rolling and thoughts of, "that would have been funny if" or "that could have been more powerful if" from me. I felt as though I was watching one of those really bad (read: not funny) movie parodies, like Dance Flick, or Epic Movie.

Yes, at times Beauty Queens is that much of a punishment, and then some.

But that's not the worst part. My major problem has to do with the fact that Bray's story had a great foundation. I mean, just read this:

“I’ve been thinking about that book about the boys who crash on an island,” Mary Lou said to Adina one afternoon as they rested on their elbows taking bites from the same papaya.

“Lord of the Flies. What about it?”

You know how you said it wasn’t a true measure of humanity because there were no girls and you wondered how it would be different if there had been girls?”

“Yeah?”

“Maybe girls need an island to find themselves. Maybe they need a place where no one’s watching them so they can be who they really are.”

There was something about the island that made the girls forget who they had been. All those rules and shalt nots. They were no longer waiting for some arbitrary grade. They were no longer performing. Waiting. Hoping.

They were becoming.

They were.

Sure, it's all a little contrived, but still it's a great jumping off point. Instead of doing anything worthwhile with it, Bray took that idea and made it into a Very Special Episode of The Facts of Life, except way more condescending and a ba-zillion times more preachier--it's not like the main message Bray is pummeling her audience with is new. Girlfriend is preaching to the choir the entire time. And at no point does this book challenge one to think. Beauty Queens thinks for you, because thinking is hard, y'all.

You wanna sell me on something? Give me a chance to think for myself. Show me both sides of the argument. Present me with questions that don't necessarily have an easy answer. Let me draw my own conclusions. Don't incessantly beat me upside my head with your answers, your way of thinking. See, when that happens I tend to lose interest in what you have to say--even if I happen to agree with you--because you clearly think you're superior, that I'm not intelligent enough to come to the right (read: your) conclusion. Do. Not. Like.

And don't even think of telling me that some teenage girls need a book to do their thinking for them, that they need to be force fed the messages contained within Beauty Queens because their parents, their peers, the media has damaged them, tricked them into thinking otherwise. Even if that is the case with some teenage girls, I fail to see how shoving a message down their collective throats--be it negative or positive--is the way to go about building up self esteem, or fixing identity issues.

Moving on...

I don't fault Libba Bray for wanting to make this book funny, because Beauty Queens would have bombed royally had it taken itself too seriously. But like I said earlier, she took the satire, the tongue-in-cheekiness, way too far. Beauty Queens is obnoxious. Beauty Queens is that know-it-all girl that you sort of want to punch in the face because she isn't as clever as she thinks she is; someone ought to bring her down a few notches.

Anyway, because of Bray's lack of control every character has been reduced to a cardboard cut-out of a stereotype. Beauty Queens has two really stupid blondes from the south, a really slutty girl from the midwest, a super sexually repressed girl from the upper-midwest, two minorities, a crazy pageant-head from Texas, A stereotypical lesbian, and a girl who is hearing impaired. Even Ms New Hampshire, whom, might I add, is this story's Marysue, is feminist to a fault, goes around feeling superior to the other girls on the island because she's "enlightened" and they're just a bunch of stupid fools.

There were a few others who had even less going for them. Ms New Mexico, for example, had a tray table embedded in her skull. That was her only defining quality throughout the entire book. I kid you not. *headdesk*

The only character that I found interesting, that had any sort of depth, was Ms Rhode Island. (view spoiler) She's the only character I truly liked; seemed to have her crap together. She's probably the only reason anyone should read this book. Really. The rest of the ladies? Were really irritating and irrational and totally rubbed me the wrong way--go figure.

You know how every chick flick has at least one painfully ridiculous cringe-worthy scene? The sort of scene that makes you wonder how stupid Hollywood thinks women are. The sort of scene that makes you vow to never see another chick flick again, like that random musical number with synchronized dance moves in My Best Friend's Wedding. Or the 'Bend and Snap' scene from Legally Blonde. Or the entire length of the movie Mama Mia? Yeah, this book has that. It ENDS with one of those scenes.

Read this book or not. It's totally up to you. I didn't like it, clearly, but I'm not pleased with a lot of books these days.

P.S. Why is it books meant to inspire and empower women to be proud of who we are, to stop aiming for an an unattainable level of perfection in the looks/weight/personality department, always have MCs that fall in love with men who are perfect in every way? Like, especially their bodies are super beautiful, and the MC can't shut up about how physically beautiful her love interest is. How come female MCs don't fall in love with guys who have great personalities but are lacking in the looks department? Why can't it just be about a meeting of minds? Why do looks ALWAYS play a part in books written for a female audience? Especially when we go around telling ourselves that looks shouldn't matter, to anyone (especially men). Isn't that more then a little hypocritical?

Oh, yeah, I forgot. No one wants to read about ugly people falling in love. At least one of them (*cough* the guy *cough*) has to be super hot.


P.P.S. I'll have you know, starting when I was 12 years old, my parents sent me to a girls camp in Colorado--five summers in a row. No electricity. No cabins. No toilets or showers or mirrors. No boys. Just a bunch of girls forced to sleep in tents with a bunch of other girls their same age. Wanna guess what THAT was like? Hell on earth. Friggin' WWIII broke out every single year! I hated it. Adolescent girls are mean. Like, ridiculously mean, especially when civilization isn't present. You think Lord of the Flies is insane? Take those boys and replace them with teen girls and you'll have a massacre on your hands. At the very least there would be a few violent cat fights. I'm just sayin'.

Review: Rot & Ruin by Jonathan Maberry

This is what I learned from reading Rot & Ruin:

1. Zombies iz people too. So they should be treated with respect, yo. (more about this later)

2. Books containing zombies can be really irritating and boring.

You see, I didn't know this was a possibility. I mean, it's zombies we're talking about here. How could zombies be boring? Turns out all you need to do is add a lame teenage romance and BAM! What really matters (ZOMBIES!) gets shoved onto the backburner in favor of the not-so-important (love story??? Who invited that guy? Alright, I'm out!).

It needs to be said: if I wanted a romance novel I'd waste my time reading the likes of Nicholas Sparks. And that would never happen. Ever. Besides, I picked up a zombie book because I wanted to read a zombie story. Horror, Violence, Decapitations--oh my!

Maberry's story has these things, but not enough to hold my interest. Most of the time we're being preached to by Tom Imura, Benny's older brother. See Tom Imura is a zombie slayer for hire. One of the best. You'd think a katana-wielding slayer extraordinaire would liven things up a bit. But no. No, he doesn't. He just waxes philosophical about how zombies are people too.

The treating-zombies-with-respect-by-not-killing-them-unless-you-have-to thing? Ruined this book. Basically the argument defending this school of thought goes a little like this:

Tom Imura: Pretend you're at a loved one's funeral and suddenly someone you don't know shows up and like defecates on your loved one's corpse. Wouldn't that anger you? Wouldn't that be disrespectful to your loved one and everyone who ever cared about them?

Me: HECK YEAH! Let me at that disgusting jerk!

Tom Imura: These zombies are other people's loved ones.

Me: I totally agree. So sad. :(
Go on.

Tom Imura: Okay, so when you go around decapitating random zombies who are in no way bothering you you're pretty much doing the same thing as that filthy stranger that took a massive dump on your love one's corpse.

Me:...

Tom Imura: So basically you should just leave all those walking corpses--you know, the ones that totally want to eat your face and make you a zombie--alone. Because if you don't that's the same is defecating on a dead body. Or something.

Me: *laughing hysterically* er...what??? I fail to see the connection. Your analogy is shoddy at best.

Tom Imura: No really, think about it. Zombies have feelings too, as do their loved ones who may or may not be alive after the zombie apocalypse happens. Just leave all those innocent flesh-eating zombies alone, k. Promise? Unless, of course, a family member of a specific zombie hires you to hunt down said zombie for the sole purpose of decapitating them.

Me: Uhhhh...no. If a zombie apocalypse happens I'm going to decapitate EVERY ZOMBIE I SEE. Wanna know why? Because I'm thoughtful. See, if I'm ever unfortunate enough to become a zombie I hope someone would be thoughtful enough to decapitate me and burn my remains to ash. As far as I'm concerned it would be incredibly disrespectful to do otherwise.

I certainly don't want to walk the earth for an indefinite amount of time, rotting away and eating other people. What if I end up being one of those naked zombies? No one wants to be a naked zombie. I'd rather be dead dead then be a naked zombie, or a zombie of any sort for that matter.

Also? Zombies carry disease. A freaking plague. Why wouldn't I want to stop that from spreading?

I have zero desire to finish Rot & Ruin despite the fact I've got only 25 pages to go. Like I said earlier, there is a laaaaaame teenage romance that pretty much hijacks the plot. I probably would just bite the bullet and finish the book if I hadn't had to force myself to get this far. So no, I can't do it Cap'n.

Jonathan Maberry is totally going be among the first to die when zombies attack. Mark my words.  Two stars.