Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Review of Fallen by Lauren Kate

There’s something achingly familiar about Daniel Grigori.

Mysterious and aloof, he captures Luce Price’s attention from the moment she sees him on her first day at the Sword & Cross boarding school in sultry Savannah, Georgia. He’s the one bright spot in a place where cell phones are forbidden, the other students are all screw-ups, and security cameras watch every move.

Even though Daniel wants nothing to do with Luce–and goes out of his way to make that very clear–she can’t let it go. Drawn to him like a moth to a flame, she has to find out what Daniel is so desperate to keep secret . . . even if it kills her.

First off, I'd have given this book zero stars were it possible, but since it isn't I gave it one star.  This book is full of fail, end of story.  There is no other way to describe this book, really. 

That's a lie.  There is another way to describe how bad this book is.  Take everything that sucked about the Twilight series and multiply that by any number (except zero.  Or one.  Or any negative number.  Aw, crap, you know what I mean).  Because really, this book is a bad version of Twilight except with fallen angels instead of vampires.  Oh, and, compared to this book, Twilight is a friggin' literary masterpiece.  That's how bad this book is. 

You think Bella is irritating?  Meet Luce Price, the most irritating protagonist ever.  She's stupid (yet still somehow incredibly smart, according to her grades), a creepy stalker, and has zero sense of self-worth or shame. 

When Daniel, this story's "hero", flips Luce the bird and then proceeds to treat her like garbage--on several occasions--what does Luce do?  She instantly becomes obsessed with Daniel and breaks into the school records room to find out more about him.  Not once does she think she might be crossing a line by going through someones private records.  Obviously, talking to him--like a normal person would--to find out more about him, is out of the question, amirite?  Oh, and when a guy treats a girl like garbage that is actually code for TRULUV4EVA. 

Look, I could go on and on about how idiotic this book is, but I won't since I have better things to do, like, write hate mail to the publisher of this book.  Seriously, I'd be hard pressed to find a book that is worse then this flaming pile of garbage, and had I a time machine I'd use it to go back in time in order to stop myself from ever reading this book. 

To sum up my review: Worst. Book. I've. Ever. Read. EVER. (yes, the second 'ever' was entirely necessary)  An incredible waste of time and money, and ink, and trees...I could go on (and on and on...).  This book makes babies cry.

Edit: As of February 26, 2010 over nine hundred goodreads users think this book is amazing*.  Amazing?!  Really???  I mean, don't get me wrong, I fully understand really liking a book that has little to no literary value (see my guilty pleasures shelf for proof).  But amazing?  Come on people! Five stars really should be reserved for the classics--great literary works, or something that really moves you emotionally; makes you think on a deeper level then usual; makes you want to be a better person. 

It is beyond me that anyone truly loves this book.  Seriously.

I'm sure a lot of you are wondering why, if I hated this book so much, I read the entire thing.  Originally, after only reading the first few chapters of this book I hurled it across the room in a fit of anger (and no, I'm not a rageaholic.  This book--the fact that it was published and I was duped into wasting money on it--just enraged me that much).   But I had to finish it.  I just had to.  Because I was dumb enough to believe it got better--but it didn't.  It just got worse and worse as the book continued.   The absolute worst part is this book is 452 pages long, and the first 400 pages contain no plot whatsoever. 

Though I already mentioned how much I dislike the protagonist I feel I should add: Luce is an insipid creature (read: TSTL).  All she does is think of the most mundane crap--stuff that isn't in the least bit important or interesting--it almost makes you want to take a drill to your own head.  At one point she even wonders what size shoe Daniel wears--mind you this is during the same period if time he's sending out strong 'I hate Luce' vibes like nobody's business. 

And yeah, for a girl who may or may not have accidentally on purpose killed the last boy she liked, it's truly creepy how easily she gets over it and readily moves on to the next victims boys.  Is she that messed up and desensitized?  Seems to me Luce is a sociopath and should be in prison, not reform school. 

Speaking of said reform school:  It's laughable how the security is practically non-existent.  Did the author do any research on reform schools?  I mean, come on!  These teens--not counting Penn--are at this reform school because they are more then a little dangerous to themselves and/or others.  They are there to be reformed, not kindasorta babysat. 

I really could go on about the massive plot holes contained in this novel--of which there are several--but I won't.  I'm just going to say one last thing: I'm shocked that something this bad could be published and then--I kid you not--be optioned for a film.  Really Disney?  You really want to take this horribly written excuse of a novel and make it into a movie?  Are you that hard up for script ideas?  Really???  Fine, go ahead.  Perpetuate the death of all good literature.  Celebrate mediocrity. Rape the young minds of our society.  I mean, everyone else is doing it, why not join in.  As long as you make a buck who cares, amirite???


*Quick review of goodreads rating system: five stars='amazing', four stars='really liked it', three stars='liked it', two stars='it was okay', one star='didn't like it'

Friday, November 13, 2009

Review of Shiver by Maggie Stiefvater

Grace and Sam share a kinship so close they could be lovers or siblings. But they also share a problem. When the temperature slips towards freezing, Sam reverts to his wolf identity and must retreat into the woods to protect his pack. He worries that eventually his human side will fade away and he will be left howling alone at the lonely moon. A stirring supernatural teen romance.

Who is publishing these horribly written YA novels?  Who? (every publisher, ever)  And more importantly, why?  (for tons of cash) 

First off, I didn't finish this book.  I couldn't finish this book.  I couldn't get 1/4 of the way through, even though I have the audiobook.  Actually not only is this book boring as hell but the audiobook was poorly cast (more on that later).  This is another book I picked up because of the pretty cover.  *kicking self, a lot* 

I have to admit the premise sounded interesting--not long before this book crossed my path I'd finished reading Blood and Chocolate, which is, overall, somewhat enjoyable even if it is a little weird--so I just had to read it.  But guess what?  Not an interesting story.  Not even kind of.  

The coupling in this book?   Bizarre.  Boring--I mean, really boring

Sam doesn't think like a guy.  Not even a little.  Sam thinks like a woman.  A really boring older woman.  No guy throws on a puffy coat and thinks "I look like a blimp in this thing."  No heterosexual guy.  No way.  Not ever.  I can't help but wonder if Sam ever gets around to asking Grace if his pants make his butt look fat.  But I digress.

Grace   is   Boring.  Not only that but she's also insipid, and irritating.  Did I mention mind-numbingly boring?  So just to review: Grace:  She's Bella Swan's evil, but oh-so-very-boring twin. 

And the character named Isabella (I think that's her name), that, like, pisses herself?  WTF???  WHY?  Seriously, WHY?  It's because of the pissing scene that I stopped paying attention to the audio book.  Sure, every once in a while I caught snippets of the story.  But none of it was interesting.  So eventually I turned it off and cursed Audible for having a no return policy--sure, it totally makes sense.  But still. 

Tangent: Look, I wasted one of my audible credits on this piece of trash.  I can't resell it, or even trade it for something better.  I'm pissed.

Speaking of the audio book:  like I said earlier it was horribly cast.  The female narrator sounds like a fourteen-year-old girl.  And the male narrator sounds like my old elementary school gym coach.  The one that sorta looked like a child molester--you know what I'm talking about, everyone had a coach like that.  Everyone.

Needless to say, the audio book gave me heebies from the get go.  I couldn't help but picture some ninth grade girl--because, like I said, she sounds quite young--flirting with her disgusting teacher (who has a mustache and wears tiny gym shorts).  I'm still traumatized. 

So yeah, I advise you don't read this book.  And definitely don't buy the audio book.  If you do, don't say I didn't warn you. 

That is all.