Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Video: The Joy of Books

Review: One For The Money by Janet Evanovitch

Welcome to colorful Trenton, New Jersey, and the wild and wonderful world of Stephanie Plum. In One for the Money, rookie "apprehension agent" Plum may be a bit wet behind the ears, but nobody's gonna take it easy on her; especially her first skip, an ex-cop and murder suspect named Morelli.


 Honesty time.

I'm among the 1%.

the 1%, monty burns
Whoa, folks.  Not this 1% (although how awesome would that be?  Owning attack hounds.  Rocking a monocle.  Wearing titanium shoes.  Using fancy words like 'indubitably' and 'mustachioed'.  I'd be the best billionaire evah.)

I'm talking about the other 1%.  You know, the people who read One for the Money and didn't like it.  People such as:

The Church Lady

Grumpy Old Man

These guys


(I guess this means I'm officially old and boring or whatever.) 

But yeah, I totally do not like this book unlike 99% of the GoodReads population.  As far as I'm concerned One for the Money is a dated, exceptionally lame version of The Jersey Shore in which everyone is sporting spandex, big hair, and sexist attitudes. 

So basically it's almost exactly the same as every episode of The Jersey Shore.  Except with more guns.

Not these guns...

Now that's more like it.

Exactly like the Jersey Shore with lots of real guns.  And a really dumb grown woman who cannot be bothered to learn how to shoot a gun even though she's carrying one with her at all times. 

Why, you ask? 

Because she's being stalked by a rapist.  A really violent, super-dangerous raping-rapist who totally wants to rape her.  A lot. 

But that's not all, folks.  There is also a really mysterious mystery.  (A rape-y mystery.) 

This really attractive MENSA candidate wrapped in spandex who can't shoot a gun to save her life is named Stephanie Plum.  Stephanie is trying to solve a mystery so she can help clear the name and reputation of the guy who sexually assaulted her when they were children the smoosh-worthy skeevy man-whore love interest.  All so she can haul him into jail for jumping bail and collect the $20,000 bounty on his head, or whatever. 

In the meantime sexual tension is building between the two.  They're tripping over all the innuendo.  It's sexy and mysterious.  And full of (dumb-)damsel-in-distress like situations.   

How could I not love this book, you ask?  I just don't.  Although, I think I just proved I'm old and boring. If you're not old or boring, and you really love the Jersey Shore, One for the Money might just be right up your alley.  1.5 stars.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Ravings of an Irrelevant Book Blogger: My Thoughts on Snow Flower and the Secret Fan (Before Reading)

Does Oprah still have a book club? Is it secretly running underground? Is the first rule Don't Talk About Book Club? I mean, how else would every woman my age know about this book? It seems as though all my GR friends over the age of 30, many of which are lucky to finish reading 12 books a year, have read or plan on reading it. I just heard about Snow Flower and the Secret Fan's existence yesterday. This is odd because regardless of what genres I prefer to read I'm usually up to date on what's the newest hottest thing in the literary world.

That said, I tend to avoid this sort of literature like the plague, so it's no surprise that I likely walked past it countless times without taking a second glance. I mean, just look at the cover. It's bland as a bowl of plain oatmeal. Granted there are flowers on it, but I don't even like flowers all that much, or Chinese fans. Based on the title I can tell it's the sort of historical fiction that is chalk-full of horrors to woman-kind. The sort of writing rife with Emotional Porn. You know, the kind that will force you to collapse on the ground, snotting and sobbing and crying out for your momma.

*rolls eyes* I really can't believe this is the sort of thing, statistically speaking, I should want to read. I mean, I am a woman. I am over thirty. This should be my bread and butter.

But it's not. It's totally not.

I've always known I was different, and not in a quirky, adorable way. Different because I snarl in the face of convention without even meaning to. I don't fit the mold. It's like I belong on the Island of Misfit Toys Women.

Whatever. I'll read Snow Flower and the Secret Fan. I'll do it because I'm sick of being the only woman in the room that doesn't know all about whatever crappy new book all the Dignified Women are reading, especially when I'm the most well-read of the bunch. But if it contains something along the lines of 'You is kind, you is smart, you is important' all bets are off.

P.S. I'm willing to bet Snow Flower and the Secret Fan is much less inspiring than Eon: Dragoneye Reborn.